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Worry can be like the crack cocaine of anxiety. Once you get sucked into it, you cannot stop. It feels like you are thinking about important things even though it makes you feel miserable. You crave an answer and spend time searching the Internet, trying to get a firm response, and asking your friends. You can only stop worrying about the worst-case scenario when you get that firm answer. Then you feel fine, until the next “What if?” only to repeat the cycle. Chances are, you also feel irritable, overwhelmed, and unable to get restful sleep each time you get trapped by “What ifs.” You might even have fellow worry friends who affirm your concerns and reassurance-seeking, under the advice of “better safe than sorry!” Why not check that spot on your shoulder, tell your kids to play only in the neighbor’s front yard, watch your child cook with eggs, or confirm with your friend if they’re truly not upset?
The problem with worry is that it focuses on an imagined worst-case scenario that almost never reflects your likely future. Worry tries to eliminate uncertainty by replacing the entire range of possibilities with only the most dreadful ones, so you can feel prepared. But there is nothing to prepare for, and preparing for something scary always makes you feel awful. Your body cannot help but feel what you imagine. Worry misdirects you to focus on the imagined awful future while overlooking the usually tame “What is” in the present moment. The other truth is that worry never solved a problem.
What compels you, and others like you, to worry is the belief that worry is part of being a responsible person, a good person, or a thoughtful person. I remember hearing my father and grandfather tell me, “It is a father’s job to worry!” I have heard patients tell me, “If I don’t worry about my (job, health, income, retirement, kids, etc.) then who will?!” The non-worriers of the world discovered that worry gave them no advantage and, in fact, made them miserable. They also learned to trust their own observation that all is well in the present and, therefore, they can predict that things will remain the same. They realize that worry and reassurance-seeking will not change this basic law of living. What has always happened tends to keep happening. They wait for something bad to happen before they deliberately think about it.
What can you do to help reverse your belief in the need to worry?
- Recognize that every part of life has uncertainty. No one knows the exact outcome of anything, and this is what makes life exciting and interesting. You might imagine it would be fun to know everything ahead of time, but think how boring and meaningless your life would become. Live as though your life is an epic adventure that requires you to be the one who is up to the challenge.
- Become an accurate observer and act like a statistician who says, “Since nothing bad has happened, I can assume my chances are so high of things going well that I do not need to do anything in case a bad thing happens.”
- Remember that responsible, loving, and considerate people just need to handle whatever problems arise and do not need to demonstrate love or commitment by worrying ahead about what might go wrong.
- Never trust your imagination when it is negative and worried. Assume “What ifs” are false alarms that are best ignored.
