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When my kids finished high school, they knew how to solve an algebraic equation. They knew the order of the planets. They knew a few phrases of a foreign language.
They didn’t know how to deal with anxiety. How to cope with life’s curveballs. How to live well.
The most important life lessons fall to parents—parents who probably never learned these lessons themselves. This vicious cycle of ignorance creates entire generations living an overly stressful life filled with regret rather than joy.
While trying to fill this knowledge gap, I found three parables that can help guide people of any age towards the good life. Sharing this wisdom with our children before they go out into the world will help them build resilience, stay focused on what truly matters, and succeed in the most meaningful way.
The Parable of Two Arrows
You and a friend are walking through the forest, hunting with bows and arrows. Suddenly, a stray arrow from another, unseen hunter grazes your leg. It hurts, but it’s just a flesh wound. Your friend panics and launches into a colorful tirade of dismay and anger. He shouts insults into the trees and vows to get revenge.
You calm him down and explain, “I’ve already been hit by one arrow. I’m not going to thrust a second one into the wound.”
Drawn from Buddhist teachings, this story gently drops a truth bomb that we are often responsible for worsening our misfortunes. The first arrow represents the unpleasant things life inevitably hurls our way. The second arrow represents our typical response, which deepens and prolongs the suffering we’re already endured.
The empowering lesson here is that while we cannot control the first arrow, we can control the second one.
Life constantly flings arrows at you—some big, some small. Someone was rude to you. Your flight was delayed. You were passed up for promotion. A loved one passes away.
When we choose to ruminate, stew in anger, wallow in self-pity, or plot revenge, we plunge a second arrow into the wound. Further suffering is optional. Instead of self-inflicting more pain, consider bandaging up and moving on.
Modern cognitive behavioral therapy operates on the same foundational principle: It acknowledges the urge to shoot the second arrow, but trains people to take control of their thoughts by reframing the circumstances in more productive ways.
(It’s important to note that this parable does not imply that a victim of abuse must accept it. Always report physical or psychological abuse to the appropriate authorities. That is not a second arrow; that is a shield.)
The Parable of the Chinese Farmer
There was once a farmer whose only horse ran away. His neighbors offered condolences. “That’s so unfortunate,” they lamented. The farmer shrugged and replied, “Maybe.”
The next day, his runaway horse returned, bringing several wild horses with it. The neighbors exclaimed, “Wow, what a stroke of good luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe.”
The next day, the farmer’s son broke his leg when he was thrown from one of the new horses while trying to tame it. The neighbors cried, “Oh, your poor boy. That’s such a terrible thing to happen.” Again, the farmer replied, “Maybe.”
The next day, soldiers came to the farmer’s door. They explained that the country was at war, and all the boys were required to fight. But since his son had a broken leg, he was allowed to stay home. “What good news for you and your family!” the neighbors said. The farmer replied, “Maybe.”
This ancient Taoist story reminds us that life’s events are just that: events. Our perception labels them as good or bad, but our perception can change depending on how the future unfolds. Some events we think are bad turn out to benefit us, and some we think are good end up hurting us.
The future is uncertain, so refrain from jumping to conclusions and take it as it comes.
Psychology Essential Reads
I’ve experienced some serious setbacks over the years that I’ve shared with my kids to help them keep life’s obstacles in perspective. In fact, if life didn’t throw wrenches into my original plans, my wonderful kids would never have come into existence. In many ways, the greatest things in my life grew from the seeds of failure. Some even say that we should be grateful for challenges, as they provide opportunities for growth and reflection.
The Parable of the Fisherman and Businesswoman
Exhausted from her hectic routine, a businesswoman went on vacation near a fishing village. While walking along the beach one morning, she met a local man who was leaving with a kettle of fish.
“Those fish look amazing!” the businesswoman said. “Why are you leaving now if they’re biting so well?”
The fisherman explained that he had caught enough for his family to eat that day. He was now off to meet his friends for an afternoon of games. Then he would enjoy spending time with his family at dinner. Finally, he’d relax with fellow villagers, playing his guitar under the stars.
The businesswoman furrowed her brow and said gruffly, “You know, if you worked longer instead of playing around, you could sell the extra fish you catch.”
“For what purpose?”
The businesswoman was confused by the fisherman’s response. She explained, “In a few months, you’d make enough money to buy a boat with large nets to catch even more fish to sell.”
“And then what?”
“You could buy another boat or two and hire people to fish from them. Tell you what, I’ll help you! We’d catch so many of these nice, beautiful fish, we’d have enough money to start a company, get a fleet of fishing boats, and sell the catch to the world!”
The fisherman stroked his chin. “And then what?”
The businesswoman sighed, exasperated. “Don’t you get it? By then, you’d be swimming in so much money that you could do whatever you want!”
The fisherman laughed, “You mean after all that work, I’d finally have enough money to spend time with my friends and family, and play music under the stars with my neighbors?”
Western society constantly lures us to climb higher on the ladder of success, promising wealth and status that will make us happy. But it’s a ruse. Rich people can still be miserable, and people with far less money can be quite content.
Happiness is not a destination you climb towards; it’s an attitude that you cultivate within your mind.
Our innate urge to ascend the social hierarchy speaks to our primitive past. Those at the top tend to have more resources and mating opportunities. But they also have more worries. After striving to be on top, the pressure to maintain that position can be overwhelming.
In modern society, the problem is amplified because the ladder is infinite. Our ancient drive doesn’t know when to stop climbing, so we continue to grind away for one more promotion, one more dollar, one more choker chain necklace, all at the expense of our physical and mental health.
The lesson in this tale is not about sloth but about balance. It’s about knowing when you’ve reached a rung on the ladder that is comfortable for you. It’s about knowing that further striving will only denigrate the quality of life.
Work is important, and not only because it puts fish on the table. The right job can imbue life with purpose, foster relationships, and make a difference in people’s lives. But activities outside the office can do the same. If you’re only employing work to gain satisfaction, you’re like an artist who paints with just one color.
The creators of these parables were brilliant psychologists long before psychology was a thing. By avoiding the second arrow, we no longer get sucked into downward spirals that disrupt tranquility and foster angst or depression. By accepting that events are merely events, we save ourselves from unnecessary anxiety and stay focused on the task at hand. By recognizing when we can hop off the vertical ladder, we discover that life has many new horizons awaiting exploration.
