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Sam was recruited for a new job. The VP took him out to lunch and said they were looking forward to his coming on board. Sam left the meeting feeling excited and wanted; the job seemed like a good challenge, a step up in his career, and the company a good fit. But as he toured the offices, he found himself, to his own surprise, changing his mind. He gave himself the evening to think it over, but then called the department head and said he was sorry but had decided to decline the offer.
Why the last-minute about-face? Here’s what’s likely driving it:
The decision triangle
We can think of the decision-making process as a triangle, with its broad base at the bottom and its point at the top. When Sam first hears about the job, or you go on a first date with someone new, your emotions are likely a mix of excitement and ambivalence simply because you don’t know much about the job or the other person. As you get to know them, gather more information, and move up the triangle, your feelings become clearer: Yes, you’re really interested in the job, the person.
But as you reach the apex—you tour the offices, you need to sign the employment contract, you hit the church steps just before the wedding—the ambivalence suddenly turns to clarity. Sam looks around the office and, consciously or subconsciously, picks up on a different vibe in the work environment; the bride or groom’s lower-level red flags suddenly come into clear focus. With boots on the ground and the pressure of making a final decision, you suddenly see and feel what was vague before. Sam declines the job, and the bride or groom becomes the runaway bride or groom.
The initial excitement wears off
After his lunch with the VP, Sam felt pumped; ditto after your fourth date—those feelings of being wanted, those fantasies about the wonderful future. But as reality sets in, Sam may realize that the job will require long hours, and the increased salary doesn’t really offset the lifestyle change. Though you’ve never had an in-depth conversation about it, you mentally piece together offhanded remarks and worry that you and your new partner are on slightly different pages regarding long-term goals and priorities.
Old regrets or mistakes surface
Maybe Sam or you have made some regrettable and impulsive decisions in the past. As you both move up the triangle, these regrets rear up; you worry you’re about to make another bad decision and repeat history. Rather than moving ahead, Sam and you feel overwhelmed and cautious, causing you to pull back at the last minute.
What does all this mean when you need to make big decisions? Here are some suggestions:
Realize that you’re getting emotionally swept up
The new job and the new date are… new. If there’s any chemical, emotional resonance—feeling wanted, feeling connected, or good sex—these feelings are not only normal but oxytocin and dopamine-fueled. Your midbrain has taken over, and your rational brain is offline.
Slow it down; get more information
Resist the urge to rush ahead. Time for Sam to ask about working hours or salary. Time to talk about future visions or those red flags.
Feel free to tweak and negotiate
Sam asks whether he can work from home or is eligible for a raise in six months. Your vision talk includes your longer-term goal of moving closer to your parents or having one child instead of three. Speaking up at this point serves two purposes: gathering the information you really need and testing the system’s process. Is it OK for me to speak up and say what I need as my needs change? Are you flexible and open to negotiation?
Change your story about your past
If your past is haunting you and keeping you stuck, maybe it’s time to revise your past. Rather than worrying about repeating history, step back and ask yourself: What was the moral of the story of that bad job or relationship decision?
Bad decisions are not reasons to club yourself and be afraid, but lessons to learn and apply. If you can extract the lesson, you can separate past from present and move forward with confidence.
Have a plan for the worst-case scenario
Sam decides that if the job isn’t the fit he expected, he can always work a year and then find a new job, and he will leave with new skills and improved awareness of what really works for him. Or you get a prenup to provide some sense of security that if the relationship does blow up, for whatever reason, you know what the outcome will be. This gives you a sense of control and pushes that nagging worry aside.
Decision-Making Essential Reads
Rational brain vs. emotional brain
The theme is making room for your rational brain—thinking about what you need, what’s important, and the mistakes and regrets of the past—to keep your emotional brain at bay. Make this the goal by stepping back and asking yourself the harder, bigger questions: What do I really want? What do I need most now? What can I do now to resolve my anxiety?
