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You’ve prepared diligently for a public speaking event, senior leadership meeting, or conference tournament. Yet as game day approaches, the doubts and nerves creep in.
You want to feel confident, excited, and free, but all you can feel is discomfort. You can hardly tolerate the uncertainty of a future outcome that can’t be known. Unpleasant thoughts pop up: What if I fall on my face? What if I embarrass myself in front of the most important people in my life? Often, these questions reflect a deeper fear: What if I lose love?”
Performance moments have a way of revealing our humanness: our basic needs to be competent or skilled, to give and receive love, and to exercise agency and choice. High stakes performance can be thrilling—and that might be part of why you’re drawn to it.
But part of the buzz usually involves feelings and thoughts that are hard to feel. The adrenaline rushes. Errors are part of the game. It isn’t calm; it’s turbulent.
The more you can learn to ride and even embrace that turbulence—and let go of clinging to feelings of confidence and calm as prerequisites for best performance—the more consistency you will unlock. Let’s dive into five strategies you can lean on when you don’t feel confident as you approach a big moment.
1. Remember that thoughts and feelings aren’t in charge—you are.
Thoughts and feelings can trick you into thinking that they have factual information about what will happen next. Before an important event, you might have felt tension in your gut or noticed thoughts about imagined failure and started anticipating a mediocre performance.
But ask yourself: Has any thought or feeling ever 1) thrown a baseball, 2) hit a golf ball, 3) delivered a presentation, or 4) made a high-stakes decision? Nope! You are in control.
Some of our thoughts and feelings are useful and accurate, of course, but a lot of them are just noise. Think of thoughts like bubbles that arise and vanish, leaving no real trace or impact. The next time an intrusive thought about failure passes by, use a mantra like “just thoughts, not real.” Then, return to executing the task at hand.
2. Author a helpful narrative about your nerves.
You can choose how you interpret your nerves. Author an empowering narrative like, “these nerves mean my body is getting ready to do something important. I appreciate my body and all its wisdom. I’m excited for this opportunity—let’s go!”
Pair this exercise with empowered body language: Stand tall and relax your shoulders, lengthen your breath, and bring a slight smile to the mouth. This tips your physiology in the right direction, toward a state of alert readiness as opposed to overwhelming anxiety.
3. See or write a highlight reel.
Give your brain some evidence that you’re capable in the face of self-doubt. Each time you succeed in your performance domain, describe it in a journal. Reflect on your strengths and resilience. Look back at your entries before big moments. You can also visualize past success for a few minutes on a regular basis or right before big games. After doing so, affirm yourself: ”I’ve done this before. I can do it again.”
4. Remember: You are not your performance.
You might be falling into the trap of thinking that your self-worth and identity are on the line each time you perform. This puts your mental health, well-being, and performance at risk.
Do a regular exercise in which you reflect on who you are beyond the scoreboard. Who are you, really? Reflect on your culture, passions, spirituality or religion, roles, family, important memories, goals and dreams, your quirks, what others love about you, your community, what you love about nature, your pets, and more. There is no limit to who you are.
5. Play to pursue.
Anxiety has a way of tricking you into playing to protect and avoid mistakes, instead of going at it aggressively to pursue something great. Stick to your game plan and aim to play great; don’t just plan to avoid playing poorly. Carry yourself with confidence, even if you don’t feel it on the inside.
6. Be willing to step into the fire.
So much distraction is borne out of going to war with unpleasant thoughts and feelings. Understandably, you want them gone. However, you probably want to experience the exhilaration of performing to your potential on game day. You love rising to a challenge.
Thus, think of nerves as an admission ticket to the thrill of competition. Be courageously willing to step into the fire to do something great. Explore what it might be like to get comfortable being uncomfortable. Remind yourself that your goal isn’t to feel nothing—it’s to feel fully alive, doing what you love.
Further, recognize that although you think you want feelings calm and confidence, what you really want is competence. If you felt completely calm and confident but totally failed in your performance, you wouldn’t be satisfied.
Take this to heart: You don’t need to feel calm and confident to execute the skills you’ve practiced so much. Use these strategies to help yourself meet the moment even in the face of uncertainty and doubt.
Mental Health and Performance
Importantly, if you notice symptoms like persistent worry, self-hating thoughts when you fall short, crying spells, hopelessness, loneliness, difficulty concentrating, persistent anger and irritability, new or increased substance use, or other experiences that concern you, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. A sport psychologist or athletic counselor can partner with you to support both your mental health and performance.
All in all, trust that you can meet the moment—even if you’re uncomfortable.
