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You have a personal style and pattern of how you interact with others. This pattern of behavior is how you and others know whether you are acting “normally” or not. Your interpersonal style has likely been shaped by your life experiences, the expectations others have for you, cultural norms, and your personal preferences of how you want to show up in the world. It can sometimes be a challenge to maintain a healthy balance between what you, others, and the world expect of you.
Have you noticed a pattern in which you repeatedly compromise your needs and preferences to make others happy? Has this pattern persisted for so long that self-sacrifice is the expectation you and others have for you?
People-pleasing involves putting your own needs behind others’ in an effort to make them happy or to avoid being viewed negatively. You may find that you let others get their way because you don’t want to deal with an argument or have anyone be mad or disappointed with you. Your people-pleasing may be driven by fear, discomfort, and anxiety.
You May Fall Into the Trap of People-Pleasing If:
- You find it difficult to advocate for what you want when you encounter resistance from others.
- You take on additional work, just so others don’t get upset with you.
- It’s hard to express what you want to do if someone is voicing a different want or opinion.
- You keep your good ideas to yourself because you want to avoid upsetting others.
- People have stopped asking you for your opinion or are shocked if you don’t readily agree with them.
- People assume you will do things without asking you first.
- You find it very stressful to identify what you want to do when the decision for multiple people is left completely to you.
Warning Signs
A warning sign that you might be falling into an unhealthy people-pleasing trap is feeling angry, annoyed, or resentful after engaging in it. You may have learned to be a people-pleaser as a child or in your early relationships (familial, friendship, work, or romantic). People-pleasing may have been a way for you to keep the peace and avoid discord, shame, or punishment. You may have learned that it was easier and safer to go along with what others wanted. Check in on your thoughts about your safety or lack of safety in your current relationships.
You may worry that others will not want to maintain their relationships with you or spend time with you if you create friction by voicing an opinion that is different from theirs. You might feel like you “should” prioritize the preferences of others over your own most of (or all) of the time. From these experiences, you may have formed negative beliefs like, “If I am seen as difficult, then people will reject me,” or “I’m not lovable enough as I am, so I need to cater to others so they will stay with me.”
You Are Loveable and Worthwhile
You have worth because you exist. It may be that not every person in your life has the ability or insight to help you recognize your worth. It’s important that you remind yourself that you are worthy of love, kindness, and self-compassion, even if you are not people-pleasing.
Some of the strategies you learned earlier in life may not serve you well anymore or may continue to feed into your negative beliefs. Make it a regular practice to remind yourself that you matter and are allowed to take up space.
Some more adaptive beliefs to say to yourself:
- “I am lovable.”
- “I am successful.”
- “I am worthwhile.”
Your Opinions Matter
You have important insights and perspectives to share. If you tend to take on the people-pleaser role, you likely are adept at noticing the emotions of others, as well as considering and balancing the needs of multiple people and groups at once. You may notice patterns in relationships and teams, and can see where these groups could excel if there were better communication and compromise. When it feels safe to do so, push through your discomfort and start to state your opinions. You can consider yourself a scientist: Pretend that you are testing the hypothesis that it will ultimately be OK if you stop people-pleasing all the time.
Setting boundaries isn’t selfishness. Even if you try, you cannot please everyone all the time. It’s important to set limits with others and to stick to those boundaries. Moreover, being assertive isn’t the same as being aggressive. Voicing your opinion doesn’t mean that you are inherently being difficult, causing trouble for others, or being selfish. Assertiveness means sharing your thoughts in a thoughtful and kind way, even if others are expecting you not to advocate for yourself.
People-Pleasing Essential Reads
It can be helpful to slow down the flow of the conversation/interaction. You can state that you will need a bit of time to think things through. This might look like taking five minutes to think before responding to a text or telling your team that you will send out an email within 48 hours. Do the thoughtful work to know how you genuinely feel about situations and give yourself permission to reflect, set a boundary, and share your thoughts.
Ask For Help
People in relationships with you might feel anxious if they aren’t sure that they know what you are truly thinking or how you are actually feeling. They also might feel frustrated that they need to take on the emotional and mental load of making all of the decisions because you don’t voice your opinions.
Build a sense of safety, especially in your close relationships, so you can have candid, open conversations. Talk about the patterns that you have noticed in how you communicate and that you would like to work on being more assertive in sharing your preferences. Consider asking those close to you to help remind you to voice your opinions. It might be easier to start with lighter decisions, like where you want to go to eat.
Check out this YouTube Video in which Dr. Stacey Gedeon and I discuss this topic.
