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Sean and Sara have an easygoing relationship. When Sara disappoints him, Sean tells himself not to make a big deal about it. When he is hurt, he tells himself not to be needy or overly dramatic. When what he wants is different than what Sara wants, he says, “No worries, I am flexible.”
Sara has recently expressed that she feels kind of blah in the relationship and lonely. This is confusing to Sean because he tries so hard to be a good partner. At the same time, he does see that for all of their stability, there is a kind of emptiness between them.
The idea of being low maintenance, flexible, and “go with the flow” seems desirable and attractive. This kind of person appears easy to please and emotionally stable… pretty much all the time. Instead of starting fights or being triggered by small disappointments, they adjust, accommodate, and let their partner know that the differences between them are “No big deal…” “I’ve got you…” and “I can make that work….”
This pattern is more likely a way to keep people close than a well-developed skill set for negotiating relationships. In fact, being “low maintenance” can be a kind of shield that protects a person from conflict, negative feedback, feeling needy, or being held accountable.
An over-accommodating relationship pattern is often rooted in a childhood where a person learns early on that their needs, complicated emotions, or demands on the environment were met by caregivers with increased conflict, withdrawal, invalidation, or shame. Over time, a person learns to suppress their needs and difficult feelings as a way to keep people closer to them. And for most in this situation, caregivers praise the person for being so easy and not a problem, which only reinforces that this is the best way to deal with people.
In childhood, this strategy was likely a resilient way to get through the family system, but now in adulthood, it falls short, blocking intimacy and authentic closeness with others. People in this situation are often confused. Why would my partner not attend to my needs when I am so good to them and caring toward their needs?
The forever-easygoing, good-natured partner leads to consequences: namely, resentment and not being fully known by close others in your life. The more your needs go unnoticed, the more upsets start to quietly accumulate and eventually topple over.
Here are four ways out of the easy partner trap:
1. Deferring to the other is really a fear of being known: Although you might seem like you are indifferent toward certain outcomes with others, the reality is you are likely afraid. People keep it chill out of fear of being seen as a problem, of creating conflict, or losing admiration, or being perceived as “too much.”
Work to first get in touch with what you feel emotionally and your preferences. Even if you don’t communicate this deeper self, pause and consider yourself. If you don’t know yourself, how can anyone else?
2. If you can’t communicate your preferences, people start to forget about you: Over time, people start to take advantage of your low-maintenance way of being and will stop asking you what you need and want. They see you, but you are foggy to them. They forget that you are a real person with your own set of preferences, desires, and upsets. This makes it easy to eventually end the relationship because you aren’t a real fixture in their mind.
Start small, “I’d love to go to the movies, but I am open…what are you thinking?” True intimacy needs you to take up space in the relationship.
3. Emotional upsets bring people closer: When you keep it chill, there is likely little relationship drama. On the other hand, you might be sacrificing relationship depth for stability. Just because things are calm doesn’t mean it is a deep connection.
Try to take emotional risks. Talk about a feeling you’re having without minimizing it, or let a friend or romantic partner know when something is uncomfortable for you, without hedging it (“I am recognizing I am feeling distant and want to talk about this with you…”).
4. A separate sense of self brings intimacy: The friction between two separate identities bouncing off one another is often what lights the match of passion.
For a relationship to be truly alive, you need to have two people who are fully themselves with one another. These differences keep the relationship rich, vibrant, and deep. Experiment with little steps to test the waters on whether there is more room for your sense of self and preferences in your relationships.
