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Romantic relationships have always played a central role in how women are expected to shape their lives. From fairy tales to friend-group conversations, we’ve been taught that finding the “right man” is both a milestone and a marker of success.
If you have ever watched Sex and the City and wondered why Carrie moves out of her rent-controlled apartment for Mr. Big (again), you’re not alone. The idea of love as a grand compromise is fading. A different model exists in its place where women date without losing themselves.
Decentering men isn’t about hating them. It’s about not organizing your life around their approval, attention, or validation. You can still date men, enjoy intimacy, and build meaningful relationships without sacrificing your identity in the process. Think of it as a mindshift, rather than a membership in the 4B movement.
What “decentering men” really means
The phrase “decentering men” has gained traction on social media, often accompanied by playful memes and biting commentary. But behind the trending soundbites is a thoughtful reorientation: instead of treating romantic partnerships with a man as the ultimate goal, you build a life that stands on its own and invite people in only if they enhance it.
This emotional independence doesn’t mean swearing off dating entirely. Decentering men means rejecting the cultural script that says your worth is tied to being chosen. It’s giving yourself permission to want connection without tolerating imbalance.
This approach has nothing to do with burning bras or avoiding romance. In fact, today’s version is less about protest and more about practice. Women are decentering men the same way they’re setting boundaries at work, reevaluating friendships, and choosing rest over hustle. It’s about treating romantic relationships like any other aspect of life that should enhance you, not consume you.
You can still date men, just differently
Yes, you can love men. You can want a partnership. You can get butterflies. The shift happens in how you date, not whether you do. That means you stop contorting yourself to seem easier to love, stop tolerating emotional labor that’s not reciprocated, and stop assigning more value to a man’s interest in you than to your interest in him.
This shift isn’t about being “hard to please.” It’s about being clear that your needs, your pace, and your standards matter just as much as his do.
Even in And Just Like That…, we see glimpses of this shift. Characters are no longer bending for the sake of old flames. They’re exploring grief, queerness, and late-in-life rediscovery with more nuance and more self-preservation.
Boundaries are not barriers
One of the biggest misunderstandings about decentering men is that it requires closing yourself off. But boundaries aren’t about walls; they’re about structure. They protect your time, emotional bandwidth, and identity, especially in the early stages of dating, when it’s easy to blur your identity with someone else’s expectations.
This mindset is helpful whether you’re 25 and dating with curiosity, 45 and navigating post-divorce dating apps, or 60 and redefining what companionship looks like. The common thread? You’ve worked hard to become who you are. A relationship should honor that, not unravel it.
Equity is greater than compromise
Decentering men isn’t about swinging the pendulum so far that women become the new center of power in a relationship. The real goal is equity.
Because here’s the thing: Compromise often implies that someone “loses.” But equity is collaborative. It’s both people bringing their full selves to the table, knowing they’ll be heard, considered, and respected. It’s when you make a mutual decision about a trip, a move, or even a second date, not from a place of people-pleasing, but from a place of mutual consideration.
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In a relationship like that, no one has to disappear to make it work.
And just like that…the truth of it all
You don’t have to stop dating men to stop centering them. You don’t have to choose between love and self-respect. You can want romance, connection, or even partnership and still keep your autonomy intact.
So the next time you find yourself falling into old patterns, pause. Ask yourself: Does this relationship reflect who I am, or who I think I need to be to be loved?
When you start dating from that place, you’re not just decentering men, you’re recentering yourself. And that’s the kind of story that never gets old, no matter how many seasons they make.
