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Building your family with reproductive medicine can feel consuming, but it is also important to consider what your family will look like after it’s built. You may be annoyed by your mother-in-law asking about your treatment protocol, or by the perhaps unintentional, but hurtful things, people have said about using donor conception to have a child. You may feel encouraged by someone on social media who speaks openly about cutting off her relatives, or relieved that you have finally met “your people”, who truly “get it,” and now you have little patience for others who don’t understand your situation.
One day, the struggle, the waiting, and the added stressors of spending so much money, time, and energy will disappear. You will reach your goal of becoming a parent, feel overjoyed with your decision to hang in there and will be completely in love with your child.
While you are on your family building journey, that future may be difficult to imagine.
The state of the world is stressful, and fertility treatment can be stressful too. The unpredictability of the journey can, as one patient said to me, “take the stuffing out of you.” At the same time, the world seems to be throwing us curveballs every week. Just when we hope for a respite from the stress, there’s more. And we are more isolated than ever.
Given all of this, it is natural to feel like you’re drowning in problems, just wanting someone to throw you a life jacket. That life jacket might be a therapist, a support group, someone on social media, or a cousin who’s had her own fertility challenges. The more someone “gets it,” the worse it feels when someone doesn’t. That makes sense.
However, your family-building journey won’t last forever. It may feel endless right now but when it does end, you may want some of those people back in your life. If that is the case, you may want to think twice before eliminating people who you may want around when your child arrives.
Before you decide that this is not possible, let’s consider two options. You may not feel like you have the energy or interest to take this extra step to preserve the relationship, but that relationship may be meaningful to you later.
What can you do? Decide what you can tolerate without too much resentment, and tell people what you need.
Your friend may want to talk about her pregnancy endlessly, but once you know this, you may be able to limit the opportunities for that to happen. Maybe you go to shows or watch movies together. Perhaps you text or try to make conversations short. Think about how you can you make a small effort in her direction while understanding the limits of what she can do for you at this moment.
Another option would be to ask for what you need. For example, you may tell your friend, “I really appreciate you asking me about my treatment, but it would be better for me if I bring it up. I never know when I’ll want to talk about it, and I don’t expect you to read my mind. So, unless I raise it, let’s just agree I’ll bring it up when I have news to share. Until then, let’s just talk about what new series we are watching or what is new at work.
You might also tell your friend that while you would love to attend her daughter’s first birthday party, it’s painful to be around children right now. Let her know you’ll be there for all the birthdays going forward, but you’ll need to skip this one.
It is not always possible to preserve relationships but if you remain connected to people who are important to you, even in the small ways you can tolerate, you may later find that you are glad they are in your life and those relationships may last a lifetime.
