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Our self-esteem and lovability increase as we become psychologically healthy. These specific practices build our integrity and effectiveness.
1. Maintain a Radical Loyalty to Reality
As healthy adults, we see and accept the givens of life. We accept the limitations in ourselves and others. We appreciate our own and others’ gifts. Our adult aspiration is a full acceptance of what is unchangeable, the courage to tackle what can be improved, and the wisdom to know the difference.
2. Set Healthy Goals
We set reasonable goals for ourselves in all areas of our lives. Examples might be psychological progress, excellence in sports, academic achievement, professional standing, artistic success, increasing resources, etc. These goals are based on an honest assessment of our personalities, our gifts, our limitations, and our capacities. We do all that it takes to fulfill our goals. We also try to exceed our goals whenever possible. We are not hobbled by failures. As body-mind-heart beings, we work for maximum bodily fitness, mental clarity, freedom of imagination, and emotional expressiveness. We increase our sense of our own self-worth as we notice our own fidelity to our goals and our skill at fulfilling them.
3. Be Yourself
We keep growing in self-esteem, self-caring, and self-compassion. We do not see ourselves as above or below others, only fellow companions on the human pilgrimage. We love showing ourselves just as we are. We are not people-pleasing but pleased to be with people just as we are. We want to show up at our best, but we are not trying to look better than we are. Our enduring sense of humor allows us to laugh at ourselves and life’s topsy-turvy turns. We act from a strong but humble ego, not an entitled or controlling one.
4. Build a Sense of Personal Power
The driver of fear is reliance on authority for confirmation. We let go of our fear of our own power. We do not believe that only people in authority hold legitimate power. We see obedience as necessary in society for good order, but we do not see obedience as an adult response to others’ attempts to control us. Our bodies, minds, and choices are not in the hands of “those who know better” or who will punish us if we contradict their wishes. We are assertive, not passive. We act from choice, not obligation. Our boundaries are clear, but flexible, too.
5. Express and Receive Feelings
We are comfortable with the full range of human feelings, both in ourselves and others. We are not afraid to show our fear, courage, sadness, or joy. We have learned how to show anger in ways that do not include judging, blaming, or hurting others. Likewise, we can receive the feelings others might share with us without flinching and without trying to talk them out of them. We do not soft-pedal our own feelings so others will like us. We do not sugar-coat the feelings of others to fend off their full impact. We do not use our feelings to manipulate others. We can stay present with others’ feelings with compassion and openness to dialogue.
6. Attend to Work/Career
We do what it takes to find the vocation, work, or career that reflects our talent, creativity, practical economic needs, and personal satisfaction. We are committed to being responsible with finances so we can support ourselves and our families. We are honest in our work, both in public and at the workplace. We collaborate with our fellow workers. We keep looking for ways to make our work a vehicle to grow personally and to create a better world.
7. Form and Maintain Effective Relationships
We want our relationships to include candidness and the ability to be vulnerable. We show others the five As: attention, affection, appreciation, acceptance, and allowing. We deal with conflicts, problems, and concerns by addressing them directly. We process them by expressing our feelings and acknowledging our projections and transferences; that is, how what is happening in the relationship may hearken back to our early life.
8. Celebrate Sexuality
Our sexuality is an expression of an undeniable need in ourselves, appropriate both alone and with others. Our sexual choices proudly reflect our sexual orientation. Our sexuality is uninhibited and free of shame, while at the same time, responsible and respectful of the boundaries of others. We are also alert to and clear about our own boundaries in our interactions with others.
9. Own Your Dark Side
We are aware that we, like all humans, have what Carl Jung called a negative shadow side. It includes disowned and repressed antisocial impulses. We do not, therefore, believe that only “those other people” are capable of evil choices. We acknowledge our own capacity for acts and decisions that are harmful or unacceptable. We acknowledge that we can make the same mistakes any other human might make.
10. Grow in Social Awareness
We cultivate a civil and social sense that takes us beyond our own concerns. Thus, we are moved by the predicament of our nation and planet personally. We are moved by the plight of those who are marginalized and oppressed. We look for ways to respond that are compassionate and effective. We do not simply feel compassion for injustice but take a stand against the structures that create and perpetuate it. We do this in the manner that fits our calling and personality style. It can be anything from a radical civil disobedience to volunteering in a soup kitchen to sending a letter to a senator. Each is equally valuable.
Adapted from Wholeness and Holiness: How to Be Sane, Spiritual, and Saintly by David Richo.
