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We all want to raise kids who are confident and who will speak up for themselves; that’s why we encourage them to have a “voice.” Having a voice is important, but so is having the discernment to know when you are effectively advocating for yourself, and when your voice of advocacy has become a voice of condescension or elitism.
A client of mine starts off describing her 16-year-old daughter as an independent, confident kid. The daughter excels academically and socially—the kind of kid you hear about and think, Well, she’s got her stuff together, she’ll do well out in the world…
But by the end of the session, it becomes apparent to me that the girl is also very bossy. She’s demanding and difficult to please. She makes very little accommodation to the needs or wishes of others. And her independence? Well, at times it feels to her mom more like detachment, a premature separation, as if her daughter is saying, “OK, thanks mom for all your parenting, I’ll take it from here…”
I reconsider how well this girl will do out in the world. Is she someone who people enjoy being around? Do people feel better about themselves when they are around her? Is she generous with her time, her thoughts, her person? Can she experience joy in some of the smaller moments in life? Does she express kindness and patience toward those who are less socially nimble, less articulate, endowed with less or a different type of intelligence? I wasn’t so sure. Meanwhile, her mom, unmindful of the way her daughter’s behavior impacted those around her, was still busy boasting about her daughter being one who ‘makes her feelings known.’ “She’s definitely not a pushover, that kid!” her mom exclaims.
Nowhere do we learn how to talk with our kids about their personality or character—especially with regard to aspects of it that might be unpleasant to others, things such as talking over other people, or being unkind or unduly critical. We don’t know how to bring such things up in a way that won’t spark a defensive response or precipitate an argument. But I think it’s important for parents to develop the skills to bring up the topic with their teenager, and to be able to compassionately offer some feedback and guidance. The only other people willing to tell them aren’t going to tell them very nicely.
Not having anywhere to learn these skills (and likely not seeing it modeled by one’s own parents) is only part of the problem. Other aspects include the stereotypes surrounding adolescence and parents’ general discomfort in introducing such a sensitive topic, making it hard for many parents to imagine saying something like the following to their teenagers:
“Hey, I love your ambition and creativity, and admire your ability to get things done. But I worry that you hold everyone to that standard, and that you don’t feel you have room in your life for people who do things differently or who value different things. And even more worrisome to me is that they might sense it. I’m curious, Julie, if you ever get the feeling that you hold people to too high a standard?”
Instead, many parents drink the Kool-Aid about adolescence being a phase of self-absorption and mood swings and defiance and chalk their teen’s unpleasant manner of being up to “typical teen behavior” (implying that they’ll “grow out of it”), when in fact it’s more likely to be an early reflection of interpersonal habits that need some redirection or correction.
With regard to the mom and her self-advocating daughter, no one likes a know-it-all, even if they’re right. Choosing grace, empathy, and transparency in relationships over who’s right wins every time in my book.
