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Are you “ex”-amining the possibility of being friends with an ex?
You may feel that you and your ex have known each other “ex”-ceptionally well in some ways, so why not keep each other in your lives? At the same time, though, such a friendship could bring some “ex”-tra complications and make your romantic life going forward “ex”-ceptionally harder if you are not careful. A future partner could even end up uttering some “ex”-pletives about you and your ex.
So, the big question, then, is whether a friendship with a former squeeze is worth the squeeze. Well, such a friendship could be an “ex”-ceedingly bad idea if you haven’t yet fully processed what happened in that previous romance and effectively let go of feelings for or against your ex. Therefore, if the answer to any of the following ten questions is “yes,” then you may want to put an “X” on any plans to be friends with your ex.
1. Do You Not Have Any Compelling Reasons to Be Friends With Your Ex?
Let’s start off by flipping the question around and asking why—why do you even care to be friends with your ex? Do you have to jointly care for a child together? Is there something essential and irreplaceable about your ex? Or are you doing this as standard practice, to alleviate guilt, or to hold on to part of your past? Without a strong reason, it may be better to just move on and not deal with any of the to-be-mentioned potential complications.
2. Do You Consciously or Unconsciously Want to Get Back Together With Your Ex?
If deep down—or even shallow down—you want to somehow get back together with the ex, then let’s be real. The friendship is just a ruse to date your ex—potentially misleading everyone, including yourself.
3. Do You Still Want to Have Sex With Your Ex?
Still wanting to add that “s” to your “ex”— meaning have sex with your ex—similarly suggests that you haven’t yet let go of your previous relationship—at least not carnally. Being all hot and bothered about your ex could really bother any future love interests, both for you and your ex. Any kind of emotional or physical attachment to your ex is a sign that you have not yet fully “ex”-tricated yourself from your previous relationship to become fully available for any future relationship.
4. Do You Still Harbor Any Resentment Against Your Ex?
What if instead of wanting to do the f-word with your ex, your thoughts towards your ex are more like f-you? Any strong feelings about your ex, including negative ones, could mean that you still haven’t healed.
5. Are You Still Not Clear Why You and Your Ex Are Incompatible Romantically?
When people ask you why things between you and your former Schmoopy went all poopy and you can’t give a clear, concrete answer, then maybe you haven’t had enough time apart to process what happened. The risk then is that a friendship could be a gateway back into a romance where you end up repeating all the same mistakes. Or it could leave you in this limbo state where you never learn and grow from the previous relationship.
6. Do You Still Regularly Think or Talk About Your Ex?
Are you one of those folks who claim to be over an ex but whenever any conversation happens, guess whose name comes up again? For example, when someone asks, “Do you want some salad?” is your initial thought, “My ex would eat salad?” Then your ex is still living rent-free in your head.
7. Does Mention of Your Ex Still Bring Up Any Physical Responses?
Another sign that you are not over your ex is when mention of your ex prompts some kind of physical response. It may be a rise in your heart rate, a flutter in the chest, a twinge in your stomach, some motion in your genitals, a massive amount of itching, or repeated vomiting. Regardless, your body is telling you something.
8. Does the Prospect of Your Ex Dating Others Bother You in Any Way?
Chances are, your ex won’t say, “I have already dated the pinnacle of people and will never ever date anyone else.” So, get ready for your ex to date someone else at some point. If your reaction might be anything besides “who cares” or “I am glad my ex has found a better match than I was,” then it may be better to keep your distance from your ex.
9. Did You and Your Ex Just Break Up With Each Other?
Yeah, when it comes to time being needed to process things, that time needs to be longer than one minute, one day, or one week. The exact timetable may vary from person to person and relationship to relationship, but it typically takes much longer to truly put a relationship in the past than initially expected. Heck, even a one-night stand may take a while.
10. Does Your Current Partner Have Problems With You and Your Ex Being Friends?
Finally, if your current squeeze has problems with you still being friends with an ex, then you may have to squeeze one or the other out of your life. Either your current tater tot isn’t the right person for you or you are indeed still too attached to your ex for your current relationship to work. Either way, not making a clear choice can end up wasting you and everyone involved lots of time and effort.
Don’t try too hard to “convince” the other person to reverse his or her stance on being friends with an ex. Even if one of you does concede, resentment could then steadily build up in your current relationship. In other words, the past could end up eroding the present and future.
Therefore, you may want to have the what-do-you-think-about-friends-with-exes conversation early on in any relationship. There could be significant incompatibility, for example, if one of you has a strict can’t-be-friends-with-exes policy and the other has I-will-get-advice-from-my-exes-including-about-you policy. That could end up putting a big “X’ on your chances of the relationship succeeding.
