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First dates involve everything from wardrobe selection, venue research, and etiquette expectations, including traditional scripts such as who pays the bill.[i] True, you might have a second chance to make a first impression—in certain areas. Unfortunately, romantic suitability is usually not one of them. Unattractive qualities displayed through first date bad behavior disrupts bonding during a critical phase of preliminary relationship building. Here is how to avoid them.
Don’t Sabotage Beauty With Bad Behavior
A modern first date is not a blind date, as it does not involve laying eyes on a prospective partner. That is what the Internet is for. But in a setting where both parties expect the best behavior, actions speak louder than words. Make sure yours are appropriate, endearing, and attractive.
Arrive on Time. Appearances matter—literally. Don’t appear late for a first date. People prefer punctuality in today’s fast-paced world, and you save yourself unnecessary stress and pressure by factoring in traffic, weather, or anything else that could cause you to arrive in an uncomfortable and unbecoming state. Promptness is also a sign of respect, so leave early to arrive on time.
Dress for Success. Translation: Don’t underdress or overdress. Although expressed emotion may affect first impressions more than attire,[ii] clothing matters. Wearing tennis shoes and a ball cap to a swanky restaurant might raise eyebrows if you are a movie star; if you are not a celebrity, it might raise questions about your judgment. Conversely, if your usual style is quirky, flamboyant, or provocative, consider whether you should tone it down (temporarily) to avoid eliciting stereotypes that might be difficult to debunk with someone you just met.
The Power of Presence. Be with your date, not your device. Instead of phubbing—ignoring your partner to focus on your phone—put it on silent rather than vibrate and avoid constantly checking messages, which is often out of habit rather than necessity. [iii]
Safe Space. Avoid “moving in” on your date by getting too close. Maintain personal distance to find the sweet spot where you are close enough for soft eye contact but not a space invader. Also, avoid sitting too far away, which can seem impersonal. Scope out the venue seating in advance to ensure you will not be separated by an oversized table or other barrier to physical proximity.
Avoid Overindulgence. Drinking too much is a turn-off, because when it comes to alcohol, excess is embarrassing, not endearing. Unlike other mistakes that can create bonding through shared humanity, such as accidents, intemperance is viewed with contempt rather than compatibility. This is true even if your partner has overindulged in the past, which they may wisely decline to share on a first date.
The Risk of Being Risqué. Maintain first date decorum through careful conversation. Avoid flirtatious speech or jokes in a first meeting to avoid miscommunication or misunderstanding. When sending follow-up text messages, keep it conservative. Suggestive emojis can inhibit comfortable relational development. There will be plenty of opportunities to build intimacy over time.
First-date behavior lays the groundwork for a healthy relationship of trust, respect, chemistry, and compatibility. In a contemporary world where not everyone recognizes the power of prioritizing relational development, you distinguish yourself by starting well to finish well.
