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My daughter came home from school the other day, talking about having to go get Valentine’s Day cards. Ugh, oh yeah… that time of year again. I’ll need to get my wife a card as well, I suppose. I know how that “I suppose” might sound, but it’s not what you think. My wife actually thinks they’re a waste of money. The card is more for the kids than anyone.
I’m quite lucky in the sense that my wife sees no value in Valentine’s Day. Her practical mind says if you want to put money into something, put it into the fund for a new kitchen or patio—not cards or surprise gifts that she probably won’t like anyway (my wife is quite particular and would much rather get her own things herself). On a more philosophical note, my wife would say that sharing “love” on Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be about buying things, but rather showing love in our actions and efforts (i.e., consistent with a previous Valentine’s piece I wrote for this blog).
I will get my wife flowers, though. She thinks they’re pretty and, when put in a vase, liven up a room, especially in the winter, after all the Christmas decorations have come down. Funny, my mother was the complete opposite. She thought flowers were a waste of money and only good for a few days before dying. Everyone’s different—and that’s an important point. Again, I think I’m lucky that my wife looks upon Valentine’s Day as she does. You may have a spouse or partner who does not see it like that. You may not see it that way. In fact, in my younger years, I didn’t see it that way. I would waste my money on stuff my wife (then girlfriend) didn’t really like or book an expensive restaurant and get a subpar meal because of the kitchen’s level of busyness. It was through trial and error and other variables that life has thrown at us that I started to see her point of view. Instead of going out on Valentine’s Day, we started going the weekend before or after. I stopped wasting money on unwanted gifts above and beyond flowers.
Like I alluded to above, my parents were a little different. In fact, my Dad would always come home with Valentine’s Day gifts, even a good one for me. Is that a little weird? Maybe, but it depends on how you frame Valentine’s Day. Regardless, one thing that tradition did teach me is that Valentine’s Day isn’t all about the romantic type of love. It’s about love more broadly, for everyone you love. Sure, Dad spent money on Valentine’s Day, as many people do, but he also saw it as something beyond the typical kind of romantic gestures.
The reality is that Valentine’s Day puts a lot of pressure on people. We’re not even two months removed from Christmas, and people in relationships might feel obligated to make another big spend, all in the name of romance. Likewise, single people are often pressured by the social construct with respect to feeling like they should have a significant other, when there’s absolutely no more need than there is the month before or after. What happens if you don’t wind up with a “Valentine” for the day? Does that mean you’re unloved or unlovable? Nonsense! It just means you don’t have a love interest at this moment. Maybe you’re picky, maybe you’re coincidentally out of a relationship on a random day in February (maybe you’ll meet the partner of your dreams the week after), or maybe you’re just not looking for romance right now! The dead of winter can be depressing enough for people as it is; why make it worse with thoughts and constructs like this? Why do we do it to ourselves and others? A bit of cognitive reframing would not go astray here.
I’m not saying I “do Valentine’s Day right” or that I ever did, but one thing that always made me feel good about it was being involved in it in some way (and not trying to avoid it). In my late teens and early 20s, on occasions when I was single for Valentine’s Day, my family’s door was always open, and I’d spend it with my parents. Growing up, it was about love for our family, not just Mommy-Daddy romantic love. Even if I were 22, single, and in a negative romantic mindset, I still felt love. I still enjoyed the day. Likewise, through the years, I knew many single people who would spend the evening with their single friends and have great times (e.g., Gal-entine’s). I think a useful way of reframing Valentine’s Day is as a second Thanksgiving or Christmas—use it as a day to show love, thanks, and appreciation to those you do have in your life, be it parents, friends, siblings, or even beloved pets.
Remember also that true love is not just for one day. Like I said above, love isn’t about the money you spend, but the effort you put in. Why not show it every day and not just on the 14th of February? I imagine most well-working relationships acknowledge this and do their best to apply such effort most days.
So, then, who is Valentine’s Day really for? Maybe it’s for the kids. My daughter’s excited about the cards. She’s looking forward to decorating the house with all her handcrafted love-hearts and cut-out, coloured-in cupids. It’s something to break up the monotony of short days and cold weather between Christmas and spring. She’s only 6 now, but I know it will feel like no time before she’s a teenager with crushes and the like… and Valentine’s Day will be focused much more on that. Sure, it’s a natural part of life, but I’m not looking forward to it—not only because it means she’s growing up, but because of how the construct might make her feel, as we’ve been discussing. All I can do about it is remind her that there are other types of love out there than the romantic kind (e.g., Sternberg, 1986) and that she will always be loved.
It’s important that none of us forget that, because when we grow up and find ourselves single on the day, it can be tough. Likewise, we might find ourselves in a relationship and feel the obligation to show our love in a way that is contrary to our values. If you’re feeling the pressure, think about how you can reframe your approach to the holiday, take the positives from it, and engage them. So, be a kid again, treat Valentine’s Day as a means of breaking up the cold, dark winter, and look forward to showing those you love how much you care about them.
