970x125
“Oh, no,” lamented Sarah, “Is it going to happen again?” She was responding to the possibility that her partner, Joshua, would lose his temper once again, which was a frequent occurrence. She did not trust him, and the result was anxiety, leading to sleeplessness, worry, and irritability. Research reviewed by Tomlinson and Mayer (2009) supports the view that mistrust can be accompanied by anger and fear. Joshua’s temper and Sarah’s response of anxiety were affecting their relationship.
A key to healthy relationships is trust, but how does a couple navigate their way back to trust once it is broken? First, as Rousseau et al. (1998) point out, people need to understand the definition of trust. After reviewing a wide literature on the topic, they concluded that trust involves positive expectations of the other, including that person’s intentions and behavior. The one who trusts fosters within the self an intention to be vulnerable toward the other. Trust differs from cooperation, which at times could be behavior motivated by fear of reprisal. Five points are presented in re-establishing trust for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these are not quick-fix approaches, but instead require both work and time (Rousseau et al., 1998).
1. Remorse, Repentance, and Recompense
An important first step needs to come from the one who acted unjustly and thereby broke the trust. Three themes are recommended (Enright, 2012). First, there is the insight that the injustice occurred and sorrow for it, called remorse. Second is humility to admit the wrong to the other, called repentance. Third, there is the willingness and behavior to right the wrong as best as one can under current circumstances. For example, if Person A withdrew a large sum of money from the joint bank account with Person B, it might not be possible for Person A to replace all of it.
2. Consistency of Affect
To begin re-establishing trust, Sarah can begin to discern Joshua’s affect toward her, which began with remorse. To aid in the restoration of trust, Joshua will need to be aware of his outbursts and strive for consistency in his responses, with reduced negative passions (arising within him) toward Sarah. Such awareness should not be occasional, but consistent. Joshua must first be aware that negative passions within him can spill out to a harsh tone, negative words, and intense behaviors. The key is for him first to be aware of the negative passions within him, and then to guard against their expression in words, tone, and behavior. The point is to develop a habit in this area within him.
In my experience, when I talk with people about their internal anger, they tend to deny its depth. This psychological defense of denial first needs insight so that the person can begin to consciously work on not expressing such anger so readily or so intensely as in the past. In other words, Joshua needs to realize that he harbors negative passions that may be controlling him and making Sarah miserable. The gradual repetition of the more positive passions within him may aid Sarah in regaining trust.
3. Consistency of Thoughts Toward the Other
A major thought form, too often missing in challenged relationships, is that those with whom a person interacts all have what I call inherent worth, or an unconditional attribute of being special, unique, and irreplaceable (Enright, 2012). After all, Sarah is a unique person, and there will never be anyone else like her in the entire world. Joshua needs to begin training his mind to see this.
In conjunction with Joshua’s change in cognition, Sarah’s challenge would be to see Joshua as more than his outbursts. He, too, possesses inherent worth. In other words, both may need to challenge their own thinking about who the other person is. This does not mean that Sarah quickly reconciles, but instead takes time to see Joshua’s changes in thinking toward her.
4. Consistency in Communicative Behavior
A sense of respect (expressed verbally and behaviorally) for Sarah as a person can be seen in Joshua’s recompense, or the motivation and behavior to right the wrong. Yet, solving the one major issue needs to be accompanied by consistent expressions of respect for Sarah as a person that flows from the positive passions and the insight into her inherent worth. Sarah, too, needs to adjust any behaviors toward more respect as she sees the issues in 1 through 3 above emerging in Joshua.
5. Forgiving, Seeking Forgiveness From One Another, and Self-Forgiveness
Forgiveness allows a person to be vulnerable or to take a risk. Allowing for vulnerability is one known aspect of re-establishing trust (Mayer, Davis, & Schoorman, 1995). As a person comes to know that forgiveness is a protection against the deep anger and anxiety that can once again emerge, then vulnerability can more easily be part of the healing. In other words, forgiving (without abandoning the quest for justice) can minimize emotional disruption in the one offended (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2024). If both have offended the other, then both may need to practice all three forms of forgiveness: forgiving the other, seeking forgiveness from the other, and engaging in self-forgiveness to welcome oneself back into the human community.
Forgiveness Essential Reads
Summary
A central takeaway message about trust is this: It is not centered exclusively on interpersonal behaviors but first involves internal transformations of affect and cognition toward the other person, for both the one who behaved unjustly and the one who was hurt by those actions. Changes from negative passions, which can include ongoing and intensive anger, to positive affect toward the other are included. Changes in negative cognitions, including a narrowed perspective of the other person, toward more positive and realistic cognitions are part of the trust equation, whether from the offending or the offended person. Once internal transformations have developed, the behaviors they produce are likely to be genuine, not coerced, and therefore may lead to a healthy reconciliation with a renewed trust.
