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The Individualized Education Plan (IEP) and 504 process is confusing, emotionally draining, and frustrating. Even after you have a plan in place, teachers don’t always follow it. Here’s what I learned the hard way—and what you need to know before walking into that meeting room.
1. Schools Only Have to Provide ‘Adequate’ Education, Not Help Your Child Reach Their Potential
When I learned this rule, I lost faith in the accommodations process as something I could trust the state to handle without me being hands-on. I pointed out that my intellectually gifted autistic child was managing only a C average—well below his academic potential. The committee told me that the school’s job is only to ensure that my kid receives an “adequate” education, not to help him reach his potential.
They were right, legally speaking. A 1982 Supreme Court case established that the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) “does not require a State to maximize the potential of each handicapped child.” IDEA just gets our kids through the door, nothing more.
So, come to IEP meetings knowing that schools are only required to provide “free appropriate public education.” If you want more for your child—and you should—you’ll need to fight for it explicitly.
2. You Can (And Should) Bring Support to Meetings
Many parents don’t know they can bring a support person to IEP meetings. This person can be anyone: a friend, an advocate, or a lawyer. Education advocates are experts who guide parents through the accommodations process and attend meetings to help secure better outcomes.
I interviewed IEP expert and psychologist Emily King for my book on parenting neurodiverse children, Your Kid Belongs Here. King explained that advocates “review evaluations with families, help them understand the process and their rights, sometimes help them draft emails to school staff, and can attend meetings with parents.”
Don’t go to IEP meetings alone. An advocate can show you the breadth of options for goals and services you can request. Word-of-mouth recommendations from therapists or other ND parents are the best way to find good advocates. Red flag: Avoid advocates who position themselves as adversarial “fighters”—collaboration works better than combat.
3. Outside Evaluations Matter—Even When Schools Say They Don’t
When my son was in first grade, I had him evaluated by an external speech and language pathologist, who discovered his severe dyslexia. When I shared her evaluation with the school, administrators told me the testing had to be done by the school to be valid. I didn’t realize that their statement was false.
Federal law clearly states: “A parent may also provide outside evaluations of the child to the school district in order to allow the IEP Team to consider that information.” Additionally, you have the right to request an independent educational evaluation (IEE) at public expense if you disagree with the school’s own evaluation.
So, if you’ve paid for private testing, the school must consider it, and if you disagree with the school’s testing, you can request outside testing. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
4. “Goals” Often Overshadow “Services”—But Both Matter Equally
One father I interviewed for my book, Anthony, described IEP meetings as “mechanistic” and inflexible. He was puzzled by the intense focus on “goals” (measurable learning objectives) when what his son really needed was the “services” portion—the actual support, like speech therapy or occupational therapy.
Anthony told me, “There have only been a couple of occasions where they’ve come to the meeting with detailed enough data to make me confident that they were even adhering to the goals or tracking them. Why is everything being framed in terms of goals rather than services?”
In your meeting, don’t let schools fixate on measurable goals at the expense of actual services your child needs. The two should be treated equally. Push for specific, meaningful services spelled out clearly in the IEP.
5. Record Every Meeting (And Be Prepared for the School to Record Too)
Anthony records all of his IEP meetings—a practice I wish I’d adopted. He told me that whenever he places his recorder on the table, the school places theirs. This might feel intimidating, but having a record of what was said and agreed upon is invaluable.
Recording protects you and creates accountability. In heated moments, memories can differ. A recording is objective proof of commitments made. Don’t be deterred when the school also records—that just means everyone’s on the same page about documentation.
6. Start Preparing at Least a Year Before School Starts
This is the advice I most wish I’d received: Educate yourself about the IEP (and 504) process and available services in your school system at least a full year before your child starts school.
You might need private testing, and waitlists for that can be six months long. You might want to get on the waitlist for a magnet school that better supports your child. You might want to hire an advocate, and good ones book up fast.
Don’t wait for problems to emerge. Be proactive. Start researching testing options, school choices, and accommodations now. The families that achieve the best outcomes are those who start early and come prepared.
You Can Do It: Don’t Give Up
After interviewing many parents for my book, not one was satisfied with the accommodations schools initially provided. Some paid thousands for private testing. Others hired lawyers. More than one opted out of conventional schooling and homeschooled instead. But here’s what I learned: Don’t give up. You are your child’s best advocate.
The system is confusing and often inadequate. But armed with knowledge and support, you can get your child what they need to thrive.
