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Leaving is always an emotional act, not only at the moment of separation but often long before. The thought of leaving—whether it’s a job or an intimate relationship—comes from an underlying feeling: frustration over being overlooked, unshakeable loneliness, criticism that wounds your self-esteem, feeling dismissed, and having no voice.
Bottom lines
I remember reading a statement in a therapy text long ago this one-line statement: How you felt when you left home for the first time—whether going to college, getting married, or moving into an apartment with friends—becomes the emotional baseline for leaving other things in your life, such as jobs and relationships. There wasn’t any solid experimental evidence in the book to support the claim, but the notion that our leaving or quitting follows some learned pattern has stuck and resonated with me over the years, as it has for many of my clients.
And maybe for you. So, when you think about that time in your life when you left your home and parents to start a new chapter, what do you recall about that moment? What do you picture? How did you feel?
Many have mixed feelings: You’re excited but also a little nervous about stepping into the unknown. Or maybe you felt overwhelmed and more than a little scared, like you were being pushed out of the nest before you were ready. Or, no, you couldn’t wait to break free.
Whatever your feelings, there’s often another emotional layer beneath. If your feelings were so positive, why? Was there something you were trying to escape from or searching for? More adventure, less control? Or more control? More safety or less suffocation? Less criticism or more friends? You were excited because something was likely missing from your life.
Similarly, if you had mixed feelings, was there something you were not only seeking but also afraid of losing that mattered deeply to your life? If you felt overwhelmed and scared, why? What was your biggest fear?
More important, when you look back on your life, is there indeed a pattern—that when you feel x, you reach your emotional bottom line and walk away? If you are tired of the cutoffs and running away, here are four steps to help you start.
#1: Acknowledge your pattern.
When you’re in the middle of a bad relationship—work, relationship—it’s hard to see what’s going on. You’re quick to blame, to feel like a victim, to create a story that justifies your feelings.
But change starts with awareness, and awareness often comes from stepping back to see the larger pattern. Take that step back and look at your relationships through a clearer lens. Once you recognize your tendency to cut and run, you stop going on autopilot.
#2: Slow down.
Your urge to leave is your “little kid” brain taking over with its old instinct to protect you. It’s time to upgrade and activate your adult, rational mind. To do that, you need to slow down, resist those impulsive feelings, and actually do now what you couldn’t when you were younger.
#3: Change your behavior.
What does this mean? Basically, think bigger and explore your options. Bigger means stepping back to see your own role in the relationship. Can you understand why your supervisor or partner might be treating you the way they do? Is there anything you can do differently—not to just walk on eggshells and accommodate but to help them feel less anxious? Instead of seeing yourself as a passive victim, think of yourself as an active and equal partner.
Options mean finding ways to repair. Instead of quitting the job or relationship, can you have an adult problem-solving conversation? This is obviously what you couldn’t do as a child, but now you can. Do it. This is about fixing a relationship, but also fixing yourself.
#4: Do the best you can.
If you’ve stopped the autopilot behavior and tried new options, you’re essentially finished. The relationship might not change or could even feel worse because you’ve broken the pattern and disrupted the other’s expectations, but you’ve done your side of the relationship equation. Yes, you can now walk away. You’re no longer acting from old feelings. You’ve stopped being the scared little kid and instead stepped up and become the rational adult.
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You’ve done your best.
