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When we think of the word “narcissist,” we may draw up visions of a loud, arrogant, sales-type persona whose goal is to know how to read the room in order to make the sale. However, narcissism can manifest in different ways. A covert narcissist operates very differently from their grandiose counterpart, which is perhaps one reason why some confuse them as being high-functioning and self-aware, and therefore able to create authentic change for themselves.
Unlike grandiose narcissists, a covert narcissist is typically hypervigilant, constantly scanning for the first sign of rejection, may present as paranoid or anxious, is highly attuned to subtle power shifts in social settings, and watches for signs of ego-threat. Yet, similar to grandiose narcissists, a covert narcissist can also develop sharp skills in learning how to read a room without ever feeling what others feel.
This helps explain why narcissistic and psychopathic personalities are over-represented in fields such as technology, marketing, or startup ventures that allow them to sharpen their “people” skills by mirroring the values or feelings of others while exploiting their insecurities. These environments operate on immediate reward, strategic mirroring, data extraction, and impression management, all of which are skills that require little empathy and the ability manipulate for leverage.1, 2
Self-Awareness Does Not Equal Willingness to Change
One of the most confusing realities for anyone who has been involved with a covert narcissist is that they often appear altruistic, self-deprecating, shy, socially awkward, and intelligent. Some may even admit they are narcissistic, that their family or friends have referred to them as narcissistic, or they may have done their own research into the disorder where they can recite information on narcissism with accuracy. Yet, none of these create authentic change.
Covert narcissists often acknowledge narcissism in ways that sound self-aware:
- “Yeah, I had a friend who always called me a narcissist.”
- “This is just how I am.”
- “Everyone’s a little narcissistic sometimes.”
These types of statements signal recognition, not responsibility. Accountability is a fundamental trait required for engaging in authentic behavior change, and in legitimately choosing repair. Narcissists lack the emotional depth and ability to transcend awareness into action because it threatens their ego, and triggers shame before the people they have emotionally hurt. What some describe as “change” is, in this case, shallow self-awareness, and an ability to assess patterns about themselves, without having the tools (or desire) to emotionally heal these patterns. Because narcissism is a disorder of personality structure, insight cannot automatically translate into an ability to emotionally empathize with others, or a willingness to do the painful work in repairing their sense of self.4, 5
You Cannot Rescue or Fix Them
A hard truth is that we cannot “love a narcissist into healing” or try to fix them. They have to want to heal themselves, and this can be excruciating for them. Trying to rescue them only reinforces their victimhood mentality, whereas accommodating their toxic behavior reinforces their sense of entitlement. It becomes a lose-lose situation. The reality is that narcissism is defined by the same maladaptive traits that block their ability for authentic change, including externalization of blame, projection, entitlement, hypersensitivity to shame, manipulation, and a need for control.4, 5
For a narcissist to genuinely heal their relationships (including the relationship they have with themselves), it would require traits they lack, such as accountability, humility, authenticity, and vulnerability, all of which trigger their shame that they spend their lives avoiding.3 Thus, when faced with relationship stressors or a rupture, it is easier for them to avoid repair. Instead, they pivot to replacement, including replacing partners, narratives, and roles that reinforce their need for external validation.
While these are commonly observed patterns in narcissistic personality structures, it should be noted that meaningful change is not impossible. Narcissism exists along a spectrum. As such, individuals who are higher functioning, and are open to personal growth and sustained accountability may achieve positive change. However, overall, such change is rare, often emotionally grueling, can require years of dedication to the process, and cannot be achieved through reliance on distractions, relationship replacement, or external validation.
