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People often feel embarrassed when they struggle to go no contact with a toxic or narcissistic person. Friends may say, “Just block them,” or “Why don’t you walk away already?” To others, going no contact with a toxic person looks simple. But for you, it can feel unbearable.
If you’ve ever thought, “Why is going no contact so hard when the relationship was so toxic?” you’re not alone. It turns out your brain is doing exactly what it is wired to do.
Trauma Bonds vs. Healthy Attachment
In healthy relationships, people tend to feel safe and respected. You may argue, but you don’t fight. A level of respect and care is maintained, and the past is not brought up as a weapon. Over time, your nervous system learns that this person is reliable.
In unhealthy relationships, especially those involving emotional abuse, attachment works differently. Instead of safety, the bond forms around chaos and survival. This process is known as a trauma bond.
Trauma bonds develop when periods of kindness, affection, or connection are mixed with unpredictability, criticism, stonewalling, or other forms of abuse. The good moments keep you hoping that things will get better.
Why the Brain Craves an Unhealthy Cycle
The brain tends to stick with what is familiar and predictable. You have been through the loop of lovebombing and abusive behavior, usually several times during this relationship. Peace and stability, as you find in a healthy relationship, can feel unknown and uncomfortable.
When someone has repeatedly hurt you and then soothed you, your nervous system gets stuck in a loop:
- Abusive behavior
- Reconciliation
- Lovebombing
- Building tension
And the cycle repeats.
Over time, your brain releases neurotransmitters, such as dopamine, and hormones, such as oxytocin (the cuddle hormone), during moments of relief or reconnection. The “maybe this time will be different” feeling is being chemically reinforced.
When you go no contact, your brain doesn’t necessarily feel relief; it does feel withdrawal. That’s why you may feel anxious, sad, panicky, or obsessive, even when you know the relationship was harmful.
These unwanted feelings aren’t a sign that you should go back. It’s a sign the relationship was unhealthy.
How to Reduce Contact With Less Unease
For many people, no contact is necessary when they have been in a relationship with a toxic person. It prevents a toxic person from hoovering you back in, and it helps you heal. For others, a gradual reduction in contact is safer and more sustainable. It is really up to you which path you choose. What matters is protecting yourself while you detach.
Ask yourself what you really need.
The urge to reach out may stem from wanting to avoid or stop painful feelings. If you want to reconnect with a toxic person, consider that it might not be about the person, but because you want unpleasant feelings to go away.
Expect feelings of withdrawal.
Missing someone does not mean they were good for you. You may feel intense grief, and your brain is adjusting to no longer having the low lows and high highs of a toxic relationship.
Seek new sources of emotional safety.
Healing happens by finding new sources of emotional safety. Those sources include emotionally healthy family and friends, a steady daily routine, therapy, and getting enough rest.
Measure progress, not perfection.
Healing isn’t about never thinking of someone again. It’s about how quickly you recognize that you are ruminating (repetitive thoughts) and how quickly you can redirect yourself to a healthier behavior.
Why Staying Sometimes Feels Easier (But Really Isn’t)
Staying in a bad relationship often feels easier than going no contact because your brain already knows the toxic relationship pattern of lovebombing and chaos. Leaving means rebuilding and creating your own sense of normalcy and peace.
No contact forces you to grieve:
Emotional Abuse Essential Reads
- The potential you hoped the toxic person would reach
- The person you thought you knew (who never really existed)
- The part of you that kept trying to make the toxic person happy
- The time you spent trying to make the relationship work
- Feelings of abandoning yourself for the sake of the relationship
- The future you imagined with the toxic person
Ending a toxic relationship creates very real feelings of grief. In fact, grief from ending a toxic relationship can be more intense than ending an emotionally healthy one.
The Bottom Line About Going No Contact
Going no contact isn’t about punishing the toxic person; it’s about making room for you to heal. Going no contact helps you avoid hoovering, or being sucked back into an unhealthy relationship dynamic. Things will get better.
Copyright 2025. Sarkis Media LLC.
