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When I was recently listening to someone express frustration over his relationship, it didn’t take long to realize that this was a two V’s or not two V’s situation. His significant other was not really allowing him to do one “V,” vent, which in turn was making him feel like an insignificant other—meaning he wasn’t getting the other “V,” validation. That’s not surprising because these two V’s—venting and validation—should be integral parts of any close relationship, whether romantic or platonic.
Venting Is a Common Way to Get Relief
Venting is about getting things off your chest—not literally, like a bra or a barbell, but figuratively. It’s when you find some way to express and release strong negative emotions such as irritation, frustration, sadness, or anger. The goal is not necessarily to find an immediate solution but to let things out—sort of like a fart—to reduce the stress that’s building up inside.
And having such periodic releases is important. Holding pent-up negative stuff can, over time, cause all sorts of emotional, mental, and even physical damage. It can be like squeezing down your pants a giant water balloon that’s hooked to a running hose. Instead of waiting for things to explode, it’s better to release such negative emotions soon after they emerge, sort of like releasing small amounts of gas from your butt rather than waiting for a gigantic rim-rattling fart to force its own way out when you can’t control it. Periodic venting can not only provide relief but also more quickly restore you to the level-headed state that’s better for problem-solving.
People vent to each other all the time, including to people they hardly know. Just think of how many times you’ve heard complaints about politicians or the “state of society” without any concrete solutions resulting. Venting in such a manner can serve as a cathartic release, but can also help people communicate and bond with each other, as in “Oh, you think the world sucks, too? We have something in common.”
Of course, chronically venting about the same things over and over again is not necessarily a healthy thing to do. You don’t want venting to become a habit and a crutch, an excuse to not seek solutions. That can leave you feeling even more powerless, furthering the negative emotions inside and outside, which is what can happen when people constantly talk about politics, for example.
Everyone Needs a Safe Outlet to Vent
Venting can also make you feel worse when you don’t have a safe listener available. Venting in an empty room can make you feel even more alone. So can venting to your goldfish or dog when you realize that they are just in it for the food. Venting to someone you can’t trust can be risky because that person can use what you say against you.
Then there are the people who will quickly judge you, discount your feelings, provide “solutions” before completely hearing you out, or otherwise rush you through your venting process, making you feel even more alone, misunderstood, and frustrated. For example, after you complain about the traffic to work, you probably don’t want the other person to simply say, “Next time, take the train.” Similarly, it can be worse to deal with a competitive venter, who will say something like, “Well, you think the discrimination that you face is bad? Let me tell you what I face.”
No, it’s better to have someone who will actively listen to what you have to say and offer support where needed. This person should recognize that everyone has a need to vent and not view you as any less for doing so. This person should refrain from judgment and offering solutions too quickly. The other person also shouldn’t panic and start looking at you as if you had three heads or were a meerkat running amok in the kitchen. Instead, he or she should listen in a gentle and supportive manner, offering guidance only when appropriate. A venting session could progress to examining other perspectives and solutions, but only when you are ready.
When significant others and close friends allow you to vent, it can be a sign that they know you well. If they truly understand you, they should recognize that what you are facing is a temporary state with no need to panic. Their listening in a nonjudgmental manner can show that they have confidence in you and that you will overcome the current situation.
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Venting Can Help Get Validation
That brings us to the other big benefit of venting—getting the other big “V,” namely, validation. Validation is when someone or something else offers you approval and acceptance and confirms that your thoughts and feelings are legitimate, meaningful, and worthwhile. This gives you the psychological safety to be who you are.
It’s natural as a human to seek such validation. And feeling the need to vent can be a natural sign of wanting that. That’s natural because a tough situation can make you wonder whether you are the only one to have such an experience, which can make you feel very alone. It can shake your confidence, too, since you may feel that you somehow allowed or invited the problem into your life.
This is where the right significant other or close friend can play a crucial role. Recall what that character Sammy said in the 1998 movie The Wedding Singer: “What I’m saying is all I really want is someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be all right.” You could say that he wanted someone whom he could vent to and who could then provide validation.
Therefore, you may want to see if the two V’s are part of your close relationships, whether it’s with your significant other or your friends. If they aren’t giving you such opportunities, then let them know. If they validate your concerns and make greater efforts to allow you to vent and provide validation, then great, your relationship can get all that closer. If, on the other hand, they don’t and make you feel like you are somehow strange for wanting such things, then maybe they aren’t the right people for you. In other words, not two V’s may mean that such relationships are not to be for you.
