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With the world in such a state of flux and division, how can we develop connection and compassion within ourselves and with others? Compassion is an action to relieve suffering through the most skillful means in the moment. Empathy is our ability to feel what another is feeling by means of the mirror neurons in our brains. Feeling is just the start and we need to develop the skills to reduce suffering using compassion.
What does compassion look like? Imagine a child scrapes their knee and begins to cry. We observe this and feel the child’s pain through our mirror neurons. We can act with empathy where we start crying with the child. But this does not reduce suffering, it actually exacerbates the suffering. Now we can compassionately respond to the child by patting the child on the back, reassuring them they are okay and offering to attend to their wound. Each of these three actions stem from compassion reduce suffering in the moment. Mostly when someone is looking for compassion they want to be told—I see you, I hear, I feel you, I am here for you and You are Okay. We all want to know we are okay.
We can shift our empathy into a mindset of compassionate action with practice.
Compassion is a skill that can be cultivated through practice. It wires our mind for positive neural plasticity and each time we activate the compassion pathway. This releases neurotransmitters like dopamine for positive reward and connection, serotonin for the feel good feeling and oxytocin for social bonds and trust. People that practice compassion experience more meaning, connection and presence in their life.
Studies show that a compassion practice develops prosocial behavior, meaning you care and are more connected to others, and that people who engage in a daily compassion practice show an increase in positive emotions and interpersonal connections and can better understand complex thoughts in themselves and others.
So how do we do this? How do we practice compassion day in and day out?
The first step in the compassion process is to bring compassion to yourself as you open to difficult situations. Hold open the space for sadness, anger, or guilt, and bring in compassion. Go to the edge of your challenging circumstance and soften. In neuroscience this is known as expanding your window of tolerance. We build our resilience and learn to grow from our challenges. Not that we sit there and have a pity party for ourselves but in fact face our fears and difficulties with a lens of compassion for ourselves and our human experience.
Non-judgment is another key element in opening to your compassion for yourself and others. As an experience arises, can you see it for what it is rather than judging the experience? Compassionate awareness holds everything as it is. The judging mind is one of the most difficult things people tell me they experience. It’s that voice of doubt, doom and gloom and the voice that removes you from presence and living. Judgement cuts us off from ourselves and others. That judging mind can be pesky where it bubbles up continuously in our consciousness. We have close to 60,000 thoughts a day and these thoughts most of the time are on automatic pilot so we need to slow down to acknowledge these thoughts and deal with them. When that judging voice creeps in I say to it, thank you for wanting to protect me and I am safe now— you can go away. Then, I firmly say to that judging voice to bugger off, you’re not needed and don’t belong here.
When tension is high and nervous systems are heightened, it can be easy to become short-tempered and lose compassion for ourselves and others. In so doing, we lose ourselves, connection with ourselves and act and do things we can regret.
Raising our awareness of our self-compassion allows us to have more compassion for the entire world. As Mother Teresa said, “Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.” When we can open our hearts to acceptance, we can begin to see ourselves and others and they are not that different from us. We can see one another and prize one another.
Finally, nurture yourself with a positive resource. I like to tell people to make a list of things that nurture them. A nurture list— is a list of positive assets that allow you to care for yourself. It can be as simple as having a cup of tea, taking a walk in nature, listening to music that uplifts you, taking a relaxing bath, calling a friend, painting, drawing or journaling. Even nurturing yourself, can be as simple as saying to yourself, this is okay, this belongs, this too will pass. As you nurture with compassion you are more equipped to face all of life’s challenges with compassion. As we care for ourselves, we care for the entire planet. We are all interconnected in our nature. We first need to practice being compassionate to ourselves which supports us to be courageous and offer a compassionate hand to our neighbor.
As the Dalai Lama XIV says, “Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.”
