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The other night, I made the mistake of watching an Oprah podcast (she films her podcasts) before I went to bed.
The topic was the current trend in our culture for people to sever relationships with family members. For the most part, the discussion centered around adult children who chose to end contact with their parents.
There were three experts: Dr. Josh Coleman, Dr. Lindsay Gibson, and Nedra Glover Tawwab, all bestselling authors, therapists, and trainers.
You might be familiar with Dr. Gibson’s book that helps people identify their parents’ flaws, diagnoses them as “toxic,” or “emotionally immature,” laying the groundwork for initiating “no contact.” Guests in the audience shared stories about years of radio silence with their parents.
Oprah congratulated people for being able to prioritize their well-being over continuing to engage in obligatory relationships. She was impressed with how far we have come in our culture in order to put ourselves first. Head nods and metaphorical high-fives were the obvious reactions throughout the audience.
I was so upset by the end of the show, I could not sleep.
Dr. Coleman stood out as the voice of reason—focusing on healing possibilities. Nedra Tawwab represented a middle ground—try to fix relationships, but if that doesn’t work, set boundaries. Dr. Gibson’s book and philosophy are at the root of emotional cutoffs that have taken social media by storm.
Without ever encouraging parents of disgruntled adult children to join them in therapy, Gibson diagnoses absent parents and demonstrates how her clients will lead happier and more fulfilled lives without their so-called toxic, narcissistic family members. (She admitted on the podcast that her clients don’t identify their parents as being problematic, Gibson does. She “helps” them connect the dots.)
As someone who has spent her whole professional career helping people love each other more, and teaching the skills that enable stronger, healthier connections, I am appalled by what I see happening today on social media—TikTok videos—and the over-the-top popularity of this book—the playbook for wrecking rather than healing broken relationships.
Today, terms such as “toxic” and “narcissistic” are thrown around as frequently as the term “colicky” is used to diagnose a fretful, crying newborn. Parents who may need to learn lessons about boundaries with adult children, or how to say things in more constructive ways, are called “abusive.” And once so labeled, ending relationships is touted to be the most reasonable and healthful conclusion.
Ending relationships with family members is a monumental decision. The hurt and grief felt by those left behind is unspeakable. The grandchildren learn that when relationships are difficult, cutting out people is the solution.
And no matter how much adult children tell themselves, “I’m taking care of my mental health by pulling away,” there is always a drumbeat in the background that there is this person (or people) you have shut out of your life. You may compartmentalize, but it’s always there.
Do some extremely unhealthy relationships need to end? Yes. But many unhappy adult children avoid discussing their concerns with family members, or don’t have the skills (not their fault) to communicate about very hard issues with challenging people, skills that might yield more productive results. (When clients say they have tried everything and nothing works, I drill down into precisely what they have done and said. I want to discover the unturned stone and teach new strategies to get through to defensive and often opinionated people.)
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Also, it’s easy to forget that our parents are people too. People make mistakes. We are not born with a gene for being a good parent. Show me a self-centered parent, and I’ll show you someone who probably didn’t have great role models or lots of warm nurturing, either.
Naturally, this doesn’t excuse hurtful behavior—nothing does—but when one’s lens is compassion combined with a toolkit for navigating really, really challenging conversations, there truly are possibilities for change. Relationships can improve over time, with work, and sometimes with help.
Encouraging complete withdrawal from relationships leads to nothingness. And nothingness leads to nothing changing.
So, what does this mean? Do you have to have frequent contact with people who, in the past, have created heartache for you? Of course not. But perhaps there is something in between shutting down entirely, refusing to answer calls, emails, or texts, and having daily conversations or regular get-togethers.
I can’t tell you how many people seek my help for their marriages, and we end up talking about disconnection with extended family members. Because I’m a systems thinker, I know that it is not possible to be on the warpath with one’s mother/sister/father-in-law (fill in the blank) without affecting one’s ability to be present and loving in one’s marriage.
If one part of the system isn’t functioning, it affects other parts of the system.
With that in mind, we push up our sleeves and reach out to alienated extended family members and work on mending those relationships. Healing relationships with extended family solidifies and magnifies the positive changes created in people’s marriages.
What do you think about this #NoContact trend? Have you cut people out of your life? Have others ended relationships with you? Let’s talk about what’s happening and avoid unnecessary heartache.
