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We all like to think we’re enlightened enough to make better choices for our kids than to repeat some of the shortcomings of our own upbringing. We want them to know they’re cared for, and we want to help prepare them to have their best lives. While these may be our goals, no matter how hard we try, there can be times we may find ourselves doing the same things our parents did that drove us crazy.
For example, have you ever found yourself saying something to your child in frustration that was exactly what your parents said to you when you were a teen? If so, then you recognized you were caught by old patterning. Most of us have done that, and it’s not because we chose to do it; it’s because it was a reflex that became activated during our frustration.
Internalizing Our Parents’ Words
We all tend to internalize the things we were told by our parents, both the positive and the negative. In addition, no matter how we were raised, that’s often all we know. As a result, repeating what we’ve internalized can become our default way of reacting when we become emotionally upset. Even when we recognize that our parents were not perfect and made mistakes, we still have a tendency to resort to replicating the way they dealt with things when we get emotionally overwhelmed by our children.
That is why it is so important we become self-aware parents. Most of us are trying to do our best. When we’re able to look inward, we may recognize there are times when we become more upset than may be warranted by a situation. At those times, we may have responded in ways that were not helpful to the situation. Often, that’s because we may be relying on what we’ve internalized as children, which sometimes may not be the best choice available.
Think about the times you’ve said something that is exactly what your parents said to you, even if you didn’t like what they said back then. When that happens, you may reflect on it and wonder why you repeated a comment that you couldn’t stand as a child in response to your own child. You may even gasp as you say it, as you struggle to believe that this sentence came out of your mouth.
Becoming More Self-Aware
One of the ways we can become more self-aware is by recognizing dysfunctional patterns in our own upbringings and being flexible enough to recognize when we’re slipping into them. As teens, our kids are going to push back on our boundaries. That’s normal behavior for them as they work on establishing their own identities. When we lose control and verbally lash out at them, we may be doing damage we don’t realize. We may be harming their confidence and self-esteem. Therefore, it is important to examine how we speak to our children so that we empower them rather than tear them down.
Ultimately, our goal is to instill in our children a positive belief system so they feel good about who they are. If we keep that goal in mind, we can hopefully not be dragged down by our own emotional frailties that can cause us to react inappropriately. When we work on being effective in our communication, it can result in our message being heard, our boundaries being respected, and our child’s self-esteem being strengthened. Sound good? The key to more effective parenting is not to let our own emotional upsets cause us to revert to reactive parenting. Reactive parenting is when our emotions are in charge, and we are more interested in showing our kids “who’s boss” than connecting with them and resolving the issue. It is during these times of stress that we tend to default to a response that was instilled in us by our own parents and not what we feel is best for the situation.
Not Letting Frustrations Get in the Way
Much of what comes out when we’re frustrated is old programming. We are often reaching into our own wounds and dysfunction to respond the way we were responded to as kids. As a result, some of our worst decisions, the ones that we hated as children, tend to come out when we’re caught in an emotional reaction. This can be damaging to our parental authority and our overall relationship with our kids. To be more effective as parents, we need to be able to choose what’s best for our child, not just react impulsively because we’re irritated.
Effective parenting means instead of just reacting, we are actually choosing our words and actions. We are staying clear and thoughtful about what we feel would be the most positive parenting decisions. The more we stay solid and don’t fly off the handle, the more likely our child will listen to us. After all, when we are lost in our own emotions and verbally lashing out reactively, we can seem out of control to our children. The more we are perceived as solid and stable, the more likely it is that we will maintain our parental effectiveness.
