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Jake has gone through yet another breakup. Ana, whom he has been seeing, emotionally supporting, and even financially helping through her multiple problems—her divorce, her job change, her struggle with her kids—has now become heavily involved with someone else. She has pulled away, and feels a bit abandoned, though he doesn’t understand why after all he has done for her.
Simone is feeling much the same. She has been helping her friend, Chloe, who was struggling with alcohol and depression, and has been supporting her through her steps to recovery. They had actually become sexually intimate. But lately, Chloe’s not only pulling away, but she seems irritated by Simone’s help.
I’ve met many clients over the years, like Jake and Simone, who come in to see me confused and complaining about their relationships deteriorating or breaking down. What they have in common is what I call the White Knight syndrome.
Here are some of the characteristics of such White Knights and their relationships:
They’re feeling confused, angry, depressed, and rejected because the relationship has changed
Jake and Simone have been doing the heavy lifting for weeks or months, and are often on the verge of burnout. They’ve given a lot, stepped up, and understandably are feeling sidelined by what is going on. After all they’ve done, they feel they don’t deserve this treatment. And if this is a continuation of a pattern—yet another relationship blowing up or dying despite all their work and support—they’re depressed and angry. In their minds, the moral of this story is that nice guys finish last.
Both parties are often in transition and feeling that something is missing in their lives
Ana is going through a divorce, and Chloe is realizing her alcohol use and depression are getting out of control; both are needing and appreciating the support. But Jake is bouncing out of a similar relationship, and Simone has been feeling lonely for a long time. Jake’s relationship with Ana helps him feel validated and provides a sense of purpose, just as Simone’s relationship with Chloe cures her loneliness—a perfect match.
Often, there is an age difference
Jake is ten years older than Ana; Simone is five years older than Chloe. While many couples can navigate this age difference, in these situations, there is already a power imbalance with Ana and Chloe needing to lean on Jake and Simone. The age difference can enhance this imbalance, giving the relationship a parental feel.
The other person is outgrowing the relationship
Jake and Simone have done a good job helping Ana and Chloe, so good, in fact, that Ana and Chloe no longer need their support and guidance. This, along with the power imbalance, fuels Ana’s and Chloe’s pulling away: It’s no surprise that Ana wants to find someone closer to her age who meets her changed needs, while Chloe, feeling healthier, begins to feel claustrophobic, micromanaged, and resentful.
So how do Jake and Simone—or you—navigate such White Knight relationships? Here are some suggestions:
Enter such relationships with eyes wide open
The antidote is not to avoid helping others and disregard your own values and empathy. Instead, start with more realistic expectations and perspective: Realize at the start that as the other becomes healthier and more stable, their needs will change. Realize that the power imbalance can easily become a source of resentment and avoidance.
Know your vulnerabilities
Know that if you are rebounding from a recently ended relationship, you’re ripe for hooking up with another, especially one that makes you feel wanted. Or, perhaps your vulnerabilities are more about your personality: You can be seduced into these White Knight relationships because you like to feel important or in control, or because being the sacrificing martyr feels familiar. These triggers are powerful, and if they are part of your makeup, it may be time to step back and take a hard look at these emotional drivers. They can become your Achilles heel.
Relationships Essential Reads
Track how the relationship is going
Jake and Simone were caught off guard because they had never sat down to check in with Ana and Chloe about the state of the relationship. Ana and Chloe are likely afraid to bring things up for fear of upsetting Jake and Simone, who they depend upon. But if Jake and Simone are going on autopilot and assuming everything is okay, they miss subtle signs of change and are surprised when it is too late. The antidote is to track how the relationship is going and have regular check-ins.
And if you do this, you can, like any evolving couple, upgrade the relationship: Ana and Chloe may no longer need so much support, but that doesn’t mean the relationship needs to end; it’s time to figure out what’s next. How can we have a different relationship without my being the helper and you the helpee?
The challenge here is to step back and take stock: If your White Knight relationship is an isolated event, look ahead, expect change, and tweak the relationship as you move forward. But if this is part of a larger pattern, step back further, see what is driving you that makes you particularly sensitive to these types of relationships. Maybe it’s time to end the pattern and change your behavior.
You don’t need to feel like good guys finish last.
