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Narcissism.
That word gets thrown around a good deal these days to describe someone who’s self-absorbed, grandiose, or abrasive. These may be annoying personality traits, but standing alone, they don’t reflect narcissism.
So, what is a true narcissist?
A narcissist displays a terribly inflated ego or sense of importance and seems to believe the world should revolve around him; he can be impatient, critical, and lacking in empathy. He blames you for problems despite your repeated attempts to prove otherwise, and can accuse you of maliciously plotting against him. He may frequently threaten to cut you off, and might even follow through at some point. And perhaps the worst—he makes you question your very sanity or logic, tending instead to undermine the way you see or remember things. It’s called “gaslighting,” and narcissists do it on a regular basis as a means of control.
When these dynamics are part of someone’s relationships with almost everyone their life touches, it’s termed narcissistic personality disorder.
Yet just because someone is a selfish jerk doesn’t mean he’s a narcissist.
Someone can easily struggle with narcissistic traits, like grandiosity or a tendency toward self-focus.
So, what can you do if you love someone with narcissistic traits?
1. Don’t get stuck arguing about how you’re a good person.
You aren’t going to win any battle with him; he’ll rarely, if ever, allow that. The answer is to disengage from the emotionally volatile battles that might be raging between the two of you. You won’t win.
2. Confront the demeaning treatment you’ve absorbed and set a boundary.
Challenge the validity of the abusive labels he has called you, not to him directly, but within yourself. You may have internalized far more than you realized. If you’re depressed, seek professional help.
You can learn how to structure your communication with him, so if and when he becomes abusive, you can set a boundary that you’re not going to accept his bad behavior. You can decide your own limits of what you’ll be around for—and what you simply will not. Going into therapy is sometimes vital for this step, as you can learn how to stop emotionally responding. Instead, you can respond with logic and clarity.
3. Take responsibility for being attracted to your partner’s initial charm.
The over-the-top attention you first received somehow swept you up. You didn’t view it as possessiveness or see the warning signs that were more than likely there. Maybe that was due to your own shaky sense of worth, or maybe because you were tired of being alone.
If you recognize you’re part of the dynamic, it’s more probable you’ll be able to detach from what keeps you stuck.
4. Realize how your strengths are manipulated.
Often, a narcissist will seek out partners who pride themselves on taking responsibility, who are conscientious, and who will work hard to please. They seek those who love so deeply that they will deny how abusive things are. They will manipulate that and use it against you—if you allow it.
5. Decide that you can tolerate that your partner will initially blame you.
You have to learn to not accept the blame and calmly step out of their attempts to do so.
If you stay or if you go…
Work on these five commitments so that you can begin the process of believing in yourself, valuing who you are and what you stand for. If you stay in the relationship, detaching with logic and reason is the answer—avoiding and simply not participating in long, drawn-out emotional battles.
He may not like it, but with enough practice, he’ll hopefully respond.
If you leave, things will likely also get worse for a while. His rage at being called on the carpet can boil over and become ugly. Don’t allow yourself to be drawn into the battles; you won’t convince him of anything.
If there are children involved, it’s particularly painful. You’re likely to watch them realize what the narcissistic parent is unwilling, if not incapable, of providing. And that can be very difficult to watch. It’s highly likely that if you attempt to intervene in their relationship, it will only escalate your past partner’s behavior. The best you can do is to provide steady and consistent support for your child.
It’s hard loving a narcissist. It’s important to remember that he’s miserable underneath his entitlement; yet it doesn’t mean you have to be miserable along with him.
Note: Research shows that narcissism tends to be more prevalent in men. Thus, the pronouns used here are “he” and “him.”
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
