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Children can be, and usually are, demanding. A parent may recall their fussy child’s tantrums over a particular meal or toy, remembering the challenge of getting it just right. Children expect, and rightfully so, their parents to know what’s good for them, even when they don’t know themselves. Ultimately, it’s the parent’s responsibility to soothe, which all of us accept as the natural state of things. However, this way of being also constitutes other-oriented perfectionism, or the demanding adult who expects others, especially significant others, to soothe them.
Meeting High Standards
Sometimes, these perfectionists hold others to high but articulated standards. So, you’d have some understanding of what you’re supposed to do, think, or even look like in certain settings. They’re rigid and uncompromising, but at least known. Yet, at others, the perfectionist expects you to “figure it out.” Together, these standards are about managing the perfectionist’s poorly regulated emotions. They struggle with feeling out of control, feelings of worthlessness and unlovability, and the intense fear of being exposed as an imposter. Each is kept at bay at the expense of another. The world tends to revolve around them, so, like a parent, a partner, for example, who may be a perfectionist themself, more likely the self-oriented type (placing high demands on themselves), may take on the responsibility of meeting all, or at least most, of their needs.
The easy part is when, again, those needs are clear. The partner works hard to follow a blueprint, which makes them feel good about themselves. Like a workaholic, they find solace in the extreme self-approval gained from extreme self-sacrifice. The problem begins when the perfectionist’s ever-increasing demands override reason. At some point, there’s a tilt; sometimes, it comes sooner, but at others, later. The usual blueprint ceases to work as the demands become more childlike, wherein the partner begins to feel that whatever they do isn’t enough, despite doing exactly what’s asked for. Perfectionism, in a nutshell, is a bottomless pit. That which makes the perfectionist feel in control, worthy of esteem and love, and secure eventually loses its magic; the core self-loathing suffocates them from within. And the partner is left scrambling, trying different, and even random, things to help alleviate the perfectionist’s pain.
A Craving for Certainty
Initially, the perfectionist may believe they know what they need to feel secure—hence, the evident standards—but they fail to acknowledge their craving for something supernatural, beyond what is and will ever be owed to them—certainty. When completely emotionally depending on others, when one’s mind feels chained, unable to think for itself, when it continues to create doubt while expecting the provision of certainty, life becomes a losing game. So, in this game, more and more doubt creeps in, begging the partner, or anyone really, for a heroic remedy.
And the pursuit of one becomes a way for the self-oriented perfectionist to play the role of parent. The difference being that a parent may eventually find a solution; other-oriented perfectionism, in contrast, is a black hole. So, the other-oriented perfectionist would need to take on some of that responsibility—addressing the absurdity of their demands, the exorbitant pressure placed on another relatively weak human, and the entitlement to a conclusion that will forever elude them. And the self-oriented perfectionist would need to address their tendency to personalize, always viewing themselves as failures, even when the demands exceed what’s possible. In this game, wins are temporary at best, making both parties feel superhuman, as though they’ve discovered some secret formula meant only for them—the other-oriented perfectionist, how to get their needs met without even knowing them, and the self-oriented perfectionist, by using their wit and compassion to unlock the code.
A Grand Plan or a Hamster Wheel?
Each perfectionist finds great meaning in their work, but the issue, one of many but the most important one, is the tendency to view that work as being part of some grander plan, leading, of course, to some amazing outcome. The other-oriented perfectionist may chronically test the partner’s loyalty and affection with doubt, and the self-oriented perfectionist may obsess over slaying it. All of this, thus, feels like it matters, as though two people are building something lasting and beautiful, which is why the health of these sorts of relationships is often impossible to challenge.
Unfortunately, these relationships are the ultimate hamster wheel, spinning on until one or both individuals realize there’s no outcome in sight. It isn’t that they can’t work at all; it’s that the dynamic as is isn’t sustainable. You need to decide if your preoccupation with incredible feats is keeping you hooked or if you’ve idealized your partner and their ability to heal you. The best relationships are those in which we both accept responsibility for our thoughts and choices and, as significantly, our limits. So, the self-oriented perfectionist could consider addressing their relationship with “goodness” and the other-oriented perfectionist their relationship with “security.”
