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My husband used to say to me, “What do you want me to do?”
He’d say this in response to my complaints that the house was messy, or that we needed groceries, or that we hadn’t made social plans, or that we had guests coming, or that the laundry was building up, and other complaints.
When he asked, “What do you want me to do?” it triggered my annoyance and, as time went on, even rage. For years, I just told him with an angry tone what I wanted him to do.
After honing my self-awareness and Change Triangle skills, I began to get ever more curious about my angry response. Why did Jon asking me what I wanted him to do cause me such irritation and anger?
One day, I thought to think and, most importantly, feel more about it. I turned inward to find the anger in my body. I asked my anger what exactly pissed me off, and then I listened to what my anger communicated. It was then that I realized Jon’s question made me feel like a “nagging wife.” I felt put in the role of the “boss of the house.” This felt unfair. We both had careers, we both owned the house, and we both benefited from the execution of the household chores. So how did I become the one doling out tasks?
Then one day, I had an epiphany.
I started asking my husband to join me in noticing what chores in the house needed to be done. I told Jon, “I am not your mother telling you what to do. I’m your partner, and we both have equal responsibility for the tasks that need attention.”
That change in perspective not only shifted our negative dynamic but also improved how we communicated and how we both felt about ourselves and our relationship.
From then on, when Jon asked, “What do you want me to do?” I responded with, “I don’t want you to do anything. I want you to relax, watch TV, and do whatever you want. But do you mean what needs to be done?”
“Yes!” Jon would say. “What needs to be done?” And then, together, we discussed the tasks and divided up the responsibilities
It took some time to change old habits. But now, we have a new normal. Jon never says to me anymore, “What do you want me to do?” Now we ask each other, “What needs to be done?”
Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?!
This shift has been so helpful to me that I thought to pay it forward to you.
