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Insecure.
That’s the word I would choose to best capture the growing-up experience of teenagers. A characterization harvested from my 56 years of working with youth as a coach, psychologist, teacher, mentor, playground supervisor, camp counselor, etc.
Please don’t do my age math on that!
What’s the insecurity all about? A mix of things, including the search for identity, socializing with peers, and just plain getting older. Those, and other contributing factors, can be an intertwined, confusing, and anxiety-provoking struggle for teens, including young athletes, musicians, and other performers.
How they respond to that befuddlement can lead to either a life of meaningful fulfillment or one of messy misdirection, dysfunction, and ultimate life disappointment.
This two-part series explores the existential dilemma of insecurity experienced by youth, including the perspective of two people who traversed that challenge, achieving successful and renown musical careers.
We’re talking about John Bell, the frontman and a founding member of the band Widespread Panic, and Lee Mars, an original member of the Rock-and-Roll Hall-of-Fame group Nine Inch Nails and producer of much widely known music, including the soundtrack of the movie School of Rock.
A Little Context
I have known both Bell and Mars since they were kids, growing up in Shaker Heights, Ohio, a suburb of Cleveland. I was John’s summer camp counselor in 1971 and 1972 when he was a 5th and 6th grader. Lee attended Byron Junior High School, a school I worked at from 1978 through 1983.
Please understand that neither John nor Lee were under my psychological care, and that I am not claiming any credit for their success. Hopefully, I contributed a little something to their lives, but their accomplishments belong to them.
I did have the opportunity to closely observe both during their youth. While Bell and Mars were well-liked and respected by their peers, they appeared to be a bit reserved when around other kids. It was something I noticed about many other teens I knew who went on to great achievement.
At the time, I attributed their reserved demeanor to shyness.
I was wrong.
The Real Reason
They were being true to themselves, not compromising values and interests for the purpose of trying to fit in with their peers, as so many other teenagers do.
Recent reflection on my time and experience with many young people as they were growing up led me to the understanding that it wasn’t shyness at all. It was virtuous wisdom, uncommon for many of their peers, that gave them a bit of disdain and distancing from the obsessive attention and popularity seeking antics of other kids.
John Waldron, the president of Goldman Sachs, referred to such attention and approval-seeking behavior of youth (and adults) as “the peacock phenomenon” in a previous post I wrote. Waldron is another successful person I observed while he was growing up who displayed similar reserved qualities of Mars and Bell and other people that I knew and discussed in other posts.
Kids obsessively seeking popularity and attention often do things just to gain peer approval. They’ll listen to music because it’s what the popular kids like. Attention seekers will relentlessly post pictures of themselves wearing sports team gear or other fashion garb, and sport highlight videos of themselves on social media, all for the purpose of impressing their peers.
Other young people fall prey to seeking attention and identity by doing things that fly in the face of conventionality with body piercings, tattoos, hair stylings, etc.
What does all that share in common?
Surface-level superficiality, lacking depth of true character. Meaningless stuff kids do in pursuit of attention and popularity. Sadly, it can also be a quest for identity and how they define themselves as human beings. It’s a short-term salve for their thoughts and feelings of insecurity. Momentary comfort and satisfaction, gleaned from social approval and belonging. It has the equivalent depth of a Halloween mask. As I tell young people, “You are way more than an athlete, the team gear you wear, the music you listen to, the sports videos you post, your social media persona, hairstyle, etc.”
All that can become a lifetime pursuit, compromising meaningful achievement and ultimate lifetime satisfaction. They are trading away long-term success for short-term escape from the unpleasant thoughts and feelings associated with adolescent insecurity.
Such relief-seeking holds true for some of the more dangerous behaviors that teens routinely do just to be part of the crowd. Things like vaping, alcohol and drug consumption, and sexual exploitation that are outright unhealthy, destructive, and potentially life-threatening.
Bell and Mars weren’t all about popularity seeking and letting their peer culture define and script them. They were too busy striving for things of deep meaning to them. The same goes for the other young people I’ve known who lived highly successful lives.
The next installment of this two-part series will take a dive into the perspectives of Bell and Mars on their youthful days. Neither allowed the insecurity of adolescence deter them from what was important to them, including their passion for music and other endeavors.
Stay tuned for a thought-provoking dive into the reflections and insights of growing up from a pair of music celebrities.
