5 Questions for Setting Limits and Imposing Consequences

The world has changed. The rules have changed. And many people since Covid appear to ignore the limits that have been set on them—in fami­lies, at work, in communities, and anywhere. That’s why my colleague, Ekaterina Ricci, and I co-authored the book SLIC Solutions: Setting Limits and Imposing Consequences in 2½ Steps.

Some people ignore the rules and don’t pay attention to the limits that others set on their behavior (we think of them as high-conflict people or HCPs or bullies) unless a mean­ingful consequence will follow if they violate the limit. HCPs often (but not always) have Cluster B personality disorders—narcissistic, borderline, antisocial and histrionic personalities—which studies show have a strong association with being domineering, vindictive, and intrusive.¹

Take this interaction:

YOU: Please stop talking to me that way. You’re bothering me.

THEM: No, I’ll talk to you any way I want!

Without a consequence, this behavior may just keep on going. However, if you mention a consequence that you are ready to impose, then it might go like this:

YOU: Actually, if you continue to speak this way, I am going to end this conversation. It’s up to you.

THEM: Well, I don’t care. I’m going to talk any way I want and you can’t stop me.

YOU: I see you have chosen to end this conversation. Goodbye.

Then you hang up or walk away. It’s not always this easy, but the key point is that the consequence protects you in the present and sends a clear message to the other person for the future.

The next day:

YOU: If you keep talking this way, I’m going to end the conversation again like I did yesterday.

THEM: No, no! We have to discuss this. Don’t hang up. I won’t keep talking that way.

Now you have protected yourself and influenced a positive behavior change that may last a long time because you followed through.

The Solution

The solution is learning and practicing skills of both setting limits and imposing consequences. Rather than just responsibly managing your own behavior, you need to learn how to possibly manage or at least influ­ence the behavior of those around you who are violating your rules and boundaries or simply ignoring the rules that do exist that are no longer being enforced by others.

In order to keep it simple, especially in stressful situations, the technique we have developed—SLIC Solutions—is easy to remember. We have narrowed it down to just 2½ steps to think of when you are dealing with a difficult situation:

• Step 1: Setting the Limit (while mentioning the consequences)
• Step 2: Imposing the Consequences (if necessary)
• Step 2½: Add a Statement That Shows Empathy, Attention and/or Respect About Half the Time.

5 Key Questions

Before you set a limit on someone, it helps to think ahead to what your consequence will be if they violate that limit. We encourage you to ask yourself these 5 key questions:

1. Is the consequence proportional to the limit that I have set?

It’s easy to threaten dire consequences but not really mean it and be unprepared to impose it because it is so extreme. On the other hand, it may be an almost meaningless consequence if it is so minor compared to the violation of your limit. Keep in mind that when a consequence is threatened but not followed through on, you lose credibility for future setting limits and imposing consequences. This is worse than not mentioning a consequence at all.

2. Have I considered positive consequences as well as negative consequences?

In many situations, such as with children or employees, the goal is to improve the person’s behavior. Often positive consequences are more motivating than negative consequences, and sometimes both positive and negative consequences will inspire behavior change. Mention a benefit that the person can gain by respecting the limit you have set, rather than just focusing on a negative consequence such as taking away privileges.

3. Is the consequence safe?

Sometimes people over-react and threaten a severe consequence that may inspire extreme behavior from the person receiving the limits. For example, threatening a bully with pain from a bigger bully may backfire, because you don’t really have control over the bigger bully and the one who is bothering you may feel empowered to punish you for the threat. A victim of domestic violence may threaten divorce, but that is often the biggest trigger for abusive spouses who may immediately become violent before the victim is in a safe place. Make a safety plan before setting the limit, like announcing a divorce.

4. Am I ready to enforce my consequence?

Don’t threaten a consequence that you can’t enforce, because you lose credibility for future limits and get nothing in the present. It is often helpful to prepare yourself by practicing with a friend or family member beforehand so that you are prepared for the pushback that may come from the person you are setting limits on. They may have challenging questions or attack you with cutting verbal criticisms that distract you.

5. Do I need to get help in imposing my consequence?

It often takes more than one person to set limits, especially with someone with a Cluster B personality who may be domineering, vindictive, and intrusive. It is important that you ask yourself this question before you attempt to set your limit. If you will need help, arrange that beforehand so that you can say, “If you continue with that behavior, the organization or several other people are going to impose the following consequence.”

Conclusion

Setting limits can be hard, but necessary. However, with some people (high-conflict people, Cluster B personalities), it becomes necessary to impose consequences in order to truly establish your limits and have them respected. Thinking ahead and asking yourself these questions can help protect your boundaries as well as any organization you may be part of.