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Have you ever worried about a loved one’s mental health?
You are not alone if you’ve ever had the thoughts, “I think they need therapy” or “ I wish they would go to therapy.” You may notice changes in your loved one before they recognize the shift in themselves. For example, they may be having trouble managing their emotions (e.g., get angry more easily or seem down). You also might start to see the ways that their actions or inactions are unhealthy. They may have started increasing the amount of alcohol they drink each weekend, or they’ve stopped engaging in activities that they used to enjoy. These behavior changes might seem insignificant at first and then grow in intensity, frequency, and duration over time.
Therapy can be a helpful way for your loved one to get the support they need to identify the root of those negative changes. They can also learn about the evidence-based treatments that might be available to help them. The tough part is that no matter how helpful you feel therapy might be for them, they need to be willing to engage in therapy for themselves. You can be a support in the process, but they will need to be the ones to fully do the work.
There are no perfect words
Be patient and kind with yourself as you try to navigate having such a conversation with a loved one. You will not find the perfect words, because, genuinely, there are no perfect words. What is important is your intention.
Your intention is to help your loved one, as you want them to be happy and healthy. Be mindful to avoid using the word “you” as much as possible. It’s important to align yourself with your loved one by instead using “I” and “we” language. For example, “I’m hoping to help so we can figure out the next steps.”
Be intentional about the tone and volume
Be mindful not to raise your voice, even if they raise theirs. Maintain a calm and non-judgmental tone. Even if your loved one isn’t open to having the conversation at that time, you want to express verbally a non-verbally that you are still going to be around. You want to express that you care about them and that you are going to check in with them about the same topic again in the near future.
They still may not be excited to hear that from you, but expressing it in a kind and thoughtful tone sends a message to them that they hopefully don’t need to feel threatened or like they are being punished.
Be thoughtful about the time and place
It’s critical to have such conversations in a safe and private space, where each of you can speak openly. Try not to wait until the end of the day when you’re both exhausted or when you are rushing around early in the morning. If it feels helpful, ask them about when it would be a good time to have a check-in conversation. You want to be able to give them and this conversation your full attention and not feel rushed or distracted.
They might be invested in not changing
Beforehand think about how you are going to soothe your own emotions during the conversation. Your loved one might be resistant, defensive, or even angry that you are talking about therapy. They may not see their behavior as a problem. Or they may see it as the best coping strategy they have, and be afraid you are trying to take it away from them. For example, you might want them to go to therapy because of substance or alcohol use. The following short animated video (Nuggets) provides an example of the cycle of addiction and how scary a world without that substance (what they perceive as their coping strategy) might appear.
Additionally, your loved one might be able to see your perspective, but they still might not be ready to make a change. This might not be because they are intentionally trying to hurt you; they might be relying on that behavior as a way of coping with their thoughts and emotions. Again, they might feel scared and even threatened if what they hear from your conversation is that you want to take their main coping strategy away. They might worry that therapy won’t be helpful enough or fear potential discomfort is asked about past traumas.
You will likely need to have repeat conversations
It is likely going to be the case that you’ll need to have more than one conversation with your loved one about going to therapy. They may find it hard to accept that they could benefit from utilizing such support. It will be important for you to discuss the topic with them in such a way that you leave the door open for future conversations.
- Don’t use therapy as a threat or a punishment.
- Be mindful not to use shame, blame, or guilt tactics. This will likely make them shut down and not want to talk about it again.
- Normalize talking about therapy and the idea of going to therapy.
- Be specific in what ways you are willing to help them find a therapist/attend sessions.
- Tell them and then hold yourself accountable to following up on the conversation in the near future.
Crises
It’s important to know that in most states, if you feel your loved one is a risk to themselves or to others, you may be able to request they receive treatment at a hospital under an involuntary commitment. This is a serious process through which they would need to be evaluated in a crisis center and/or a hospital setting.
Warning signs of a crisis include: your loved one being a risk to themselves, as they are making threats about harming or killing themselves, harming or killing others, or seem out of touch with reality in such a way that they are potentially going to harm themselves or others. When in doubt, reach out for support through 988, 911, or going to your local emergency room.
Take care of yourself
Worrying about your loved one and having such conversations can be stressful. Their struggles are likely having an impact on you as well. Be mindful to set down the worries to allow yourself time to rest and regroup.
You also might benefit from having therapeutic support. Reach out to find a therapist of your own. This will hopefully benefit you and have the bonus effect of normalizing going to therapy for your loved one. Nevertheless, it’s important to remember that the goal for your own therapy needs to focus on your own coping. A therapeutic goal is often unhelpful when focused on trying to change someone else’s behavior. The only person‘s behavior that you can control is your own.
For more on this topic check out this YouTube video where Dr. Gedeon and I Undercomplicate Talking to a Loved One About Getting Mental Health Help.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
