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Retirement has been a longtime dream as you’ve endured long commutes, office politics, and not enough time with each other. You’ve dreamed of lovely, unstructured days together—lingering over coffee in the morning, enjoying day trips and maybe exotic travels, rediscovering the fun of your courtship.
But now retirement is here, and the dream has become something of a nightmare or, at best, underwhelming.
If this scenario sounds familiar, you’re not alone. You can budget for years for retirement. You can plan long-postponed travel adventures. You might even relocate to an active adult resort community or to a place that you’ve always dreamed of living. And yet…
Despite all the careful planning, you can be blindsided by a number of unanticipated challenges that can strain your relationship. Seven of the most stressful include:
1. Too much togetherness
So many of your dreams featured the two of you sharing in the joy of travel and relaxation. But now, you’re together every day, all day, and it’s feeling like too much.
“I feel guilty about not always wanting to be with my husband,” my neighbor Louise once told me. “But then I reminded myself that while I married him for life, I didn’t marry him for lunch. I can really do without him sitting, watching golf on television, and telling me how I can vacuum or load the dishwasher more efficiently. I want to see friends on my own as well as together and to do things that he has no interest in.”
What to Do: Talk about your shared and your differing interests and give each other space to pursue all of that. Constant togetherness can lead to conflicts just to get breathing space. Anticipate the possibility that you both need time alone, with friends, or pursuing your own interests and hobbies. It isn’t a matter of abandoning your spouse, but of having more to talk about and to share when you’re together again.
2. Differing views of aging
Some people slide into preconceived patterns of behavior and expectations that can lead to conflict. Melissa and her husband Ken, both within months of turning 70, are a study in contrasts. Melissa is a regular at their local community center, learning line dancing, quilting, and other crafts, and enjoying lunch with her many female friends. Her husband Ken, feeling that “I’m old and in the way,” isolates himself in their darkened living room, making no effort to make friends, work out at the gym, or pursue any interests..
What to Do: Get regular medical checkups, whether you feel old or not. If one partner is isolating and immobilized, explore the possibility that he or she may be depressed rather than irreversibly elderly. Some therapy or medication can make a major difference. While we all age at differing rates, it’s important to know that social isolation and inactivity can accelerate aging.
3. Depression over changing identity
Despite dreaming about losing the pressures of work, some people feel a very real loss of identity after retiring. A friend who lives in a retirement community says that those most obviously mourning their lost sense of self are called FIPs—Formerly Important People—who may talk too much about past achievements or seem endlessly entitled. But many others suffer quietly as they wonder, “Who am I now?” And when one spouse is delighted to be retired and the other isn’t, conflicts can arise.
What to Do: Traditional retirement isn’t for everyone. You might choose to find a new purpose in volunteer work, a part-time job, or self-employment. Just as many couples find contentment in time together and time apart to enjoy differing interests and hobbies, many couples find peace in giving each other space to pursue encore careers, rewarding volunteer work, or fulfillment in long-postponed activities.
4. Anxiety about finances
Living on a newly fixed income can be a challenge unless both spouses are on the same page in terms of budgeting and financial priorities. Maybe one of you is an Amazon regular while the other is so fearful of money running out that even minor spending is painful.
What to Do: Make an appointment with a financial planner, either the one who helped you plan your retirement savings or, if you have relocated, a financial planner who works for a fee and has nothing to sell you. This kind of planner can help you to revise your spending plan or budget to fit current retirement realities, making room for fun as well as necessities.
If you’re always in conflict about priorities, getting some couples counseling as well may help you to communicate better about such emotionally loaded subjects. You might decide together to prioritize long-term dreams over daily treats—e.g., agreeing to lose the daily Starbucks habit to save for a vacation trip you’d both enjoy.
5. Relocation regrets
Many couples relocate in retirement. Sometimes that works well for both. Sometimes it doesn’t. Perhaps you decided to move to a resort-like active adult community that seemed to promise an endless vacation, only to have one of you miss the family and friends left behind in your old hometown. Or you may have relocated to live closer to adult children, only to find that they have their own lives that don’t include you as often as you had hoped.
What to Do: If you’re thinking about a move, discuss how this will impact key relationships and what it might mean to be closer to or farther from kin. Talk with your adult children to gauge their feelings about your move.
If you’ve moved already and have come to regret it, review your options together. If one person is missing grandkids or friends at a distance, arranging for him or her to visit them more frequently could help. If you’re living close to adult kids and feeling ignored, it may be time to consider another move or to talk about how to live your best life in new ways.
6. Differing social styles and needs
Your spouse may be a hermit, resisting all social opportunities. You may yearn to enjoy old friends and build new friendships.
What to Do: Once again, give each other space to be different. The social spouse may meet friends for lunch or fun activities. The reclusive spouse might agree occasionally to a social event that’s very important to his or her spouse. Communication and compromise can help cut down on conflicts.
7. Unexpected health changes
It happens to every couple in the retirement phase of life. There may be growing disabilities, the limitations that come with chronic disease, or the anguish of terminal illnesses. Many of us plan, somewhat abstractly, for death, but don’t imagine the impact that disability can have on a relationship. People vary in their abilities as caregivers or their willingness to be cared for.
What to Do: Recognize that caregivers need to care for themselves, too. Carve time out of the day—perhaps early in the morning, perhaps at night—to do something comforting or pleasurable for yourself. Keep in touch with friends and family.
Check with your health care provider or community resources for help referrals—whether this is at-home assistance, respite care, hospice care, medical transportation, or other services that may help ease the stress for both of you. Let loved ones know your needs, whether this is for hands-on assistance or emotional support. Don’t let guilt or an attempt to hang onto independence that is no longer possible keep you from reaching out to others.
