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It is hard for so many of us of all ages to apologize sincerely. We have found in our therapy work that an apology or the lack of one can be pivotal in a relationship and yet we hear the struggles many people experience when they do not make them or may not receive them. What we are referring to are those smaller day-to-day moments when we misstep by saying or doing something hurtful. We wanted to talk with you about why we don’t do them, how to work with that for you and your child, and what a true apology sounds like.
We will begin with an example that demonstrates the underpinnings of our difficulty apologizing.
Betty was in therapy with one of us when her 10-year-old son Lucas started feeling socially isolated. An outgoing boy, he had a group of friends who did a lot of things together on weekends. One of the group was his best friend, Thomas. In recent weeks, Lucas was sulky around the house and especially mad at Thomas. Apparently, the group had all gone to see a basketball game over the weekend and none of the boys had told Lucas about it—even Thomas. Lucas was confused about why, but as they talked about it, Betty learned that he had said something mean to Thomas, calling him “stupid, fat, and smelly.” All of the boys had heard it and were mad at Lucas in defense of Thomas so they had decided not to invite him to join for the game. Why would Lucas be unkind to his best friend? It turned out Lucas was mad and sad because Thomas seemed to be hanging out more with Derrick than with him. Lucas did feel bad about the meanness but had not apologized and insisted Thomas had been mean too. Lucas just wanted to be back in the group.
We talked with Betty about why her loving and ordinarily kind son might be so mean. There were several reasons.
We feel so vulnerable when we feel left out or unwanted. We resist that vulnerability by striking out—“the best defense is an offense,” as they say in football sometimes—because it makes us feel bigger and stronger. An apology, however, entails showing someone that soft vulnerable part of us that we hide—the longing for connection, admitting you did something wrong and are at fault, and taking the risk that the other person will reject you. However, it is possible to teach your child that making an apology comes from strength—it takes strength to own our actions and be responsible for them.
A rationale that we can get caught up in is that the other person did something wrong first—“tit for tat”—so they deserved the meanness and we shouldn’t have to apologize if they don’t. As though the other person’s actions absolve us of responsibility. This can lead to a never-ending feud and the loss of a friendship. It is fair to consider that the other person acted wrongly but that does not justify our acting in turn. What you can teach your child is that we determine how we act and we do what is right and just even if the other person does not. This respects and reinforces our values and can interrupt that endless cycle. That does not imply that anyone should just accept someone treating them wrongly. Rather, it leads to more productive ways to stand up for oneself and enact our values.
We also thought it important to identify what a true apology does and does not sound like. It is not, “I’m sorry if I hurt you” or I’m sorry if you feel hurt.” That “if” is the crucial telltale sign that you are not really owning up to your actions. A true apology often does not feel comfortable but it is both relieving of feeling bad about what you did and can lead to healing. Many people feel respected if you ask them, “What do you need from me to help us get past this?” A real apology can be “I am sorry”—plain and simple but effective, if said genuinely.
Following up with Betty, as we had planned, she and Lucas role-played him making a true apology to Thomas. Lucas felt nervous and embarrassed but Betty continued to let him know what strength and integrity it took to do something right yet uncomfortable. After a few more days at school feeling distant from Thomas, Lucas approached him and said, as he had practiced, “I am sorry Thomas. I feel bad that I was so mean.” To his delight, Thomas said, ”OK, do you want to sit with us at lunch?” Neither boy forgot the incident but both felt able to “put it behind,” which is a phrase we had offered Betty to offer to Lucas for him to say to Thomas to help them move forward.
The best way for your child to learn to apologize is to model for them as you yourself do it. You can apologize to them for losing your temper or being late for pickup. They absorb this without you having to make it a “teaching point.” And if they ever offer a true apology, accept it with grace and reinforce it by stating how strong that was to do and how much you appreciate it.
