970x125
Most of us experience moments of loneliness. For some, this is fleeting, while it may be a pervasive feeling for others. It may be mild or so severe as to trigger or exacerbate depression and anxiety. Feeling lonely may result from being alone, but this is not always the case.
Being alone
We could be alone physically, absent human or animal presence, while engaged in activities such as hobbies, reading, or playing video games. In such situations, we may not have any reflective thoughts about being alone. Consequently, we may have no negative emotions associated with it.
We could be alone and not feel lonely, depending on our capacity to comfortably be alone. For example, those who were more introverted initially felt comfortable with the isolation triggered by COVID. By contrast, others immediately felt anxiety and even anger over the prospect of having a more limited social life.
Feeling lonely
By contrast, feeling lonely is a painful emotion that may arise when we experience a discrepancy between the social connections we desire and the ones we actually have. This discrepancy may concern the number as well as the quality of such connections. We may feel a lack of meaningful connection at work, in friendships, or even with loved ones. This can foster feelings of isolation and even emptiness.
A seven-year-old may feel lonely sitting amongst classmates at school. A wife may experience loneliness with a husband who is challenged in identifying and discussing his feelings. A senior may experience loneliness due to the loss of friends, a partner, and the more limited opportunities for socializing.
Contributing judgments that intensify loneliness
The frequency and intensity of loneliness very much depend on judgments we form regarding being alone or feeling lonely.
Numerous factors may contribute to such judgment at any age. It is essential to identify them if we are to understand and constructively address this uncomfortable emotional state. Perhaps the major factors include:
1. The association of feelings of loneliness with feeling unloved
2. Having unfulfilled longings—whether realistic or idealized
3. Social isolation due to life events such as moving, retirement, bereavement, or illness
4. A lack of authenticity
5. According to existential philosophy, loneliness is an inherent part of being human
Feeling lonely and unloved or unlovable
It’s one thing to feel lonely, but another to associate feeling lonely with feeling unloved or unlovable. This association may derive from early childhood experiences that are being revisited in the present. It may include feelings of being flawed or “less than.” Such feelings of loneliness may further contribute to a lack of intimacy.
Our characteristic patterns of forming relationships may very much intensify loneliness. Specifically, individuals with insecure or avoidant attachment styles may inhibit the formation of deep trusting relationships. Fear or anxiety about intimacy may lead to social isolation and persistent loneliness. Additionally, it may contribute to choosing a partner who is emotionally unavailable.
Unfulfilled longings
Unfulfilled longings may greatly inhibit the development of satisfying relationships. As such, an adult who has not healed from early wounds may seek satisfactions that the young child needed. In effect, while adult relationships can help heal early wounds, they cannot make up for the experience of such hurts. Such longings may fuel unrealistic expectations of intimacy that can never be satisfied. And when they aren’t, it may lead to confirmation that others cannot be trusted.
Loneliness Essential Reads
Social isolation due to life changes
Several major life changes, such as moving, retirement, bereavement, and illness, are prone to trigger loneliness. Each of these experiences involves some form of loss—perhaps the loss of one’s familiar environment, identity, friends or loved ones, or loss of body integrity and function, whether temporary or permanent.
Such loss needs to be grieved and mourned if one is to be resilient to change. And yet, such loss may lead some individuals to turn inward and isolate rather than seek social connection.
A lack of authenticity
A lack of authenticity hinders our sense of connection with others. Whether based on a need to please, fear of being exposed, or other concerns, inauthenticity fosters a greater sense of isolation. It serves as a filter that may originate from a perceived need to protect oneself. However, it may be off-putting for others, leading them to be less inclined to seek connection—and consequently promote feelings of loneliness.
Existentialism
Existentialism, a philosophical orientation, emphasizes that the sense of separation and aloneness is a universal experience. This perspective reflects the reality that, ultimately, we are alone in how we choose to live, including the meaning we give to our lives.
Coping with loneliness
There are a wide variety of strategies for addressing loneliness—often requiring that we move beyond our comfort level. These include:
1. Thorough reflection, identify loneliness that may derive from feeling unlovable, having unfulfilled longings, life changes, and a lack of authenticity.
2. Engaging in self-care such as meditation and yoga to help with relaxation and emotional regulation. Seek professional help if needed in order to understand, sit with, and accept loneliness without being overwhelmed.
3. Attending classes or joining groups that reflect your interests, whether in-person or online.
4. Initiating contact with others, including friends, family, or neighbors. All too often, the mindset of loneliness can lead to passively waiting for others to reach out.
5. Volunteering. First, inquire about your potential role, as many aspects of volunteering can also be isolating if it does not involve interactions with others.
6. Evoking your curiosity and openness to play, as you pursue a hobby or activities that you can enjoy.
7. Engaging in physical exercise. Doing so is a powerful mood enhancer, especially when you choose an appropriate routine.
8. Recognizing any tendency you have to isolate or judge yourself or others.
9. Acknowledging all of your feelings, including loneliness. Being human entails having a range of emotions.
10. Recognizing a negativity bias (tendency to be negative) that may inhibit your trying new activities or seeking new friendships.
11. Being realistic regarding expectations of yourself and others. You will not have the same depth of connection with everyone. And you really can make connections even when you have major differences.
12. Considering adopting a pet.
Loneliness is a challenge for people in all age groups and has increased in recent years. Creating greater connections requires increased self-awareness, effort, and purposeful choices that can increase the potential for forming relationships. While such choices may force us to move beyond our comfort level, doing so can be deeply rewarding.
