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Are you dating down—dating someone who isn’t worth your time, your effort, and all that you have to offer.
Note that this isn’t about dating someone with a different financial, social, or professional status, race/ethnicity, or some other outside appearance thing. In fact, people too often use such superficial things to prematurely rule out others from a dating standpoint. No, dating down here refers more to the inside stuff—not getting the kindness, loyalty, compassion, empathy, support, effort, or other deeper things that you deserve.
It’s important to recognize when you are dating down because, when you get down to it, it can keep you down in many ways—including keeping you from finding the real right match—way lower than where you’d be if you just stayed single. So watch for these seven signs:
1. You Have to Justify Dating the Person
Are you finding yourself having to explain to your close friends and, more important, to yourself why you are even with this person? Note that the term “close friends” here refers to people who really know you and care about your well-being. This is contrast to close-minded friends who don’t even bother asking what you truly want and would question someone simply because of that person’s race, appearance, social status, or something other superficial thing.
That said, beware of any situation in which you are citing elements that should be present in any dating situation to justify why you are sticking with someone. This is especially true when the words “at least” are involved, as in, “At least, that person won’t cheat on me, I think”, or “At least, I am getting some sex”, or “At least, I am not alone.” “At least” may be fine after you’ve been run over by a stampede of ostriches but not when you are trying to explain why you are dating someone.
2. You Feel Like You’re Providing Professional Services
Do you feel as if you are serving more like a therapist, career counselor, start-up consultant, teacher, escort, or some other professional for the person than an equal dating partner? While helping others in general is a good thing, there’s a big difference between natural give and take and a one-sided situation in which you could very well send the other person a bill.
3. You Are Hesitant to Share Good News with the Person
It’s natural to want to share good news about yourself with those close to you, because you want them to share your happiness. But you may be reluctant to do so with anyone who may be jealous of, competitive with, or intimidated by you. Those who deep down feel below you often may want to keep you down rather than raise themselves up, since the latter is harder to do.
4. You Keep Hoping the Person Will Change
Maybe you are hoping that this person will somehow change to be different in the future, making you sort of like a Cleveland Browns fan in most seasons. Perhaps, you are waiting for the person to become much more mature, empathetic, or considerate, put in more effort, show more loyalty, or stop hanging out with certain people who are not good to you. Well, spoiler alert, that ain’t the person that you are dating right now. That may never be the person. You would essentially be dating for down the line, which is another type of dating down.
5. There Is a Big Gap in Loyalty, Caring, Effort, Ambition, or Something Else
Dating shouldn’t be about filling gaps for you or anyone else. It should be about finding the right fit for you in the here and now. So if you do feel like something fundamental is missing and that you are constantly trying to fill a big hole—whether it’s a difference in loyalty, effort, ambition, or something else between the two of you,—you are likely dating down. It’s an especially bad sign if you’ve already given up on the other person meeting you where you need to be met, like “Oh, I don’t expect that person to do anything that special for my birthday even though I rented out a restaurant for her birthday.”
6. You Feel Weaker with the Other Person
Back in 2022, I wrote about a sign that someone is the right one for you: You feel stronger with the person than without him or her. Well, the opposite is true, too: If you feel weaker around the other person—you are less confident, feel you won’t achieve as much, or are more worried about the future—then you are probably dating down.
7. Your Gut Tells You that You Are Dating Down
Finally, there’s that thing inside you that can tell you about the other person’s insides: your gut. Things may feel wrong. You may even feel embarrassment or disappointment that you are with the person or hesitance to progress to the next step with him or her.
If you’ve ever dated down, don’t get too down on yourself. It’s not uncommon to allow loneliness, lack of options, insecurity, fear, immaturity, and failure to recognize one’s own worth to overcome your better judgment at some point.
But don’t let it become a habit. Don’t waste the one resource that you can never get back—time. And don’t let it hold you back from learning, growing, and potentially meeting the right match. That’s why continuing to date down would be a downright shame.
