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Not all dating is created equal; it can serve different purposes depending on where you are in your life. You might be just coming out of a previous relationship and know you’re not ready for anything serious yet; you’re looking for someone to go dancing with, attend concerts with, or just help you have a reason to get out of the house on weekends.
Or, maybe you’ve been in a long dry spell, and dating is a way of dipping your toes back into the pool, getting your emotional feet wet, and building up your self-confidence and self-esteem. Or, no, you’re looking for The One, you’re ready for a serious long-term relationship, and you really don’t want to waste time.
Whatever the purpose and level of intimacy, dating is always about finding compatibility—are we a good fit? Here are eight questions to help you determine exactly that:
#1: Are our goals the same?
If you’re seeking a weekend playmate and the other person is interested in a serious long-term relationship, you’re clearly at cross purposes from the start. There will be tension as each of you tries to sway the other to your side. That said, some couples are equally ambivalent, unsure of exactly what they want and need right now, and both are willing to “see what happens.” That’s fine; you’re balanced, and you’re both emotionally in sync.
#2: Do you have common interests?
If you’re dating someone from work or someone you met on a hike, you naturally share some common ground. However, if that becomes the primary foundation of your relationship, it can be fragile. If one of you leaves the job or decides hiking isn’t their thing, that connection can fall apart. Diversifying interests is key—the more common interests you have, the better. And even if your shared interests are few at first, the challenge is to see if you’re both willing to explore and build a range of shared experiences.
#3: Do you have shared values and visions?
You might differ in religious or political beliefs, but if you share the same core values—what matters in life, what makes a good life and a good person, and how you treat others—and vision—your priorities and what an ideal life looks like—you are building on a strong foundation.
#4: How does the other person treat strangers?
If you’re having dinner at a restaurant and your date’s food is too rare or too salty, what happens next? Can they be assertive yet polite to the waiter or waitress, or do they complain loudly or criticize them? This reflects their values, but also their character. How people respond to strangers offers insight into how they might at some point treat you.
#5: Can they manage their emotions and stress?
You might not want to be with someone who is like Mr. Spock—emotionally detached and always rational; sharing feelings, behaviorally or verbally, is essential for intimacy. But similarly, being with someone who vents anger and blames others, or who easily breaks down under stress, can make you walk on eggshells or carry the emotional load.
The middle ground between Mr. Spock and The Hulk is someone who can self-regulate, proactively communicate their feelings before they reach a breaking point, take responsibility without blaming others, be aware of their impact on those around them, and be willing to apologize. This is again about values, but also emotional responsibility.
#6: Can you solve problems together and create win-win compromises?
Your date is always late and rarely offers to pay for expenses, and honestly, you’re starting to get annoyed. If you bring this up, can they listen to what you’re saying without getting overly defensive? Better yet, can you both work together to find a solution that works for both of you?
The content of problems is a moving target. Right now, it may be about being late, but in a few months’ time, it could be about meeting parents or how you spend time together on weekends. What’s important is the process: Can you avoid arguing over whose view of the facts and reality is right? Can you problem-solve without falling into a power struggle or feeling dismissed? Instead of seeing it as you versus me, can you shift to a view of you and me working together to solve a problem?
#7: Do you feel safe?
This is probably the most important thing when dating. If you don’t feel comfortable expressing what you want to say, or if you have to hold back being who you truly are, you’re in trouble. Eventually, this will catch up with you. You’re either always feeling anxious, getting depressed, or periodically blowing up or acting out.
And, you are also not being fair to the other person. While it’s natural to feel performance pressure and to act on “good dating behavior” at the start, it’s important to take the risk of being authentic and leaning into the relationship.
That’s the purpose of dating, after all — to let the person truly get to know you and see if you are compatible. To do that, you need to be honest, and to be honest, you need to feel safe.
