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The holiday season can be stressful for many reasons. For those who struggle with their family or certain family members, this time of the year can be especially anxiety-provoking due to increased expectations for family togetherness. One of the challenges of being around family is that they can trigger many past hurts in us, making it difficult to manage these strong emotions.
Families are full of triggers, which make them hard to be around.
Whether you are struggling with indecision about whether to see your family or not, feeling guilty about putting your needs ahead of theirs, or just don’t want to deal with it because it’s frustrating or painful, being around family is hard.
Here’s how to set boundaries without starting a fight or running away:
1. Identify how you feel and what you need.
Why are you choosing to go (or not go)? How does that make you feel? If you’re choosing to go because you value family or would rather not deal with the guilt, it’s important to remember this to remind yourself that this is a choice that you chose because it feels right for you.
2. Practice self-care and healthy coping skills. Identify your grounding skills.
Once you’ve made your decision to go (or not), self-care and healthy coping skills can help you manage your anxiety. Instead of ruminating about your decision and what could happen, try to remain present and focus on hobbies and interests that help you remain grounded. These can include yoga, exercise, hiking, knitting, watercoloring, cooking, doodling, reading, arts and crafts, puzzles, and more. Try to choose activities that force you to remain present and active instead of passively watching TV. This will help regulate your nervous system, which will increase your capacity for dealing with stress down the line.
3. Identify and communicate your needs in a non-reactive, calm way.
One of the hardest parts about dealing with difficult family members is the communication. You might come from a family where you felt like your feelings were dismissed and unimportant and now might struggle with being vulnerable and communicative. You might come from a family where there were temper tantrums and violent outbursts that taught you to stay silent. You probably were not modeled healthy ways to communicate and express your feelings.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg, is a communication skill that focuses on meeting the needs of both the speaker and listener. NVC simplifies communicating difficult and uncomfortable feelings into a 4-part formula: observations, feelings, needs/values, and requests. NVC focuses on “I” statements.
With NVC, you share a neutral observation, how this makes you feel, what you need or value, how to make this happen, and whether they can do it.
Example: Your conservative parents say something triggering about you or your values.
Response: When I hear discussions about my character or my politics, I don’t feel safe. I need to feel safe in order to be here with you. Can we please stay off these topics tonight?
This process helps you first identify what you’re noticing and experiencing and then communicate this in a non-confrontational way.
4. Create a safety plan.
Just because your family feels unpredictable, doesn’t mean that you can’t prepare. If you come from a dysfunctional family, at this point, you can probably predict some of the things they could say that might hurt or trigger you. So why not prepare and create a plan for what to do?
This safety plan can include:
- Who are the people you can go to for support? Do you have an aunt, cousin, friend, or therapist who you can vent to or talk through different scenarios with? Identify them and keep their numbers handy.
- What’s your plan for grounding/regulating your nervous system? This could be breath work, mindfulness, a weighted blanket, etc.
- What are some NVC statements or scenarios you’ve identified and practiced?
- What can you do if they continue not to listen?
- What will you do when you get home? These can be any of your grounding/coping skills.
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5. Create an exit strategy.
If you’ve given it all you’ve got and they’re still not letting up, it’s okay to leave! You communicated how you felt and asked for what you needed. That’s about all a person can do.
Identify your parameters before seeing your family. How long do you want to stay in general? How long can you tolerate not being heard? At what point is it too much for you and your nervous system? Think about these beforehand so you can identify when exactly you want to leave.
When it’s time to go, you can try another NVC statement.
Example: “I’m noticing that I haven’t spoken in a long time. I’m feeling lonely because I need connection. That’s why I am going to leave now.”
Leave. Take a deep breath. Release, knowing that you made it out.
