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I spent nearly a decade in various professional roles that led me to believe I was a “child expert” before ever becoming a parent myself. Before becoming a mother, I had values and expectations that felt thoughtful and well-intentioned, but then I experienced what I can only describe as aggressive humbling from the moment I held my daughter in the hospital. Now that my daughter has just celebrated her fourth birthday, I finally feel ready to express what I’ve learned from parenthood.
1. Having high expectations of myself as a parent can make things harder
I have a distinct memory of Margot’s third week of life. She was screaming at the top of her lungs (we were on the 4th hour of relentless crying), and I was attempting every soothing approach I could muster and felt like an absolute failure. In a moment of desperation, I Googled “how to make a baby stop crying.” As I read the search results, I felt tears well up in my eyes.
“I have been a play therapist for years, a former educator, and am about to finish my dissertation about children. I should know what to do. Why is this so hard?”
I entered parenthood with a strong belief that I should know everything, that I would remain patient and regulated, and that I would consistently respond in the ways I have instructed parents to do for years. What I didn’t anticipate was how heavy those expectations would feel in the early days of parenthood and beyond. My high expectations left little room for grace or for the process of learning. If I had held the same belief I do now (nobody knows what they are doing), I believe I could have given myself permission to climb the steep learning curve every parent experiences, regardless of their prior experiences with children. In fact, research demonstrates that parents who embrace not knowing everything fare better than those who have unrealistic expectations about parenting (Barimani et al., 2017). This finding highlights what every parenting course and book fails to teach. Flexibility matters much more than perfection, and now I feel free to boldly Google “what the heck am I doing” every other day.
2. Sometimes you just do what you have to do
There are many moments where I have learned that theories, parenting books, strategies, and ideals have to fade in the background, and what remains is the immediate need to get through the day (or the night). I know that my toddler should not subsist on goldfish and lollipops, but some days, you feed them what they will eat. You soothe the way that works. And sometimes, you have to choose rest over consistency and survival over “best practices.”
Of course, it is easy to second-guess each of these moments (and trust me, I do). However, what I have learned is that doing what you have to do doesn’t mean you are failing. Parenting doesn’t happen in a vacuum; it happens in real life with real limits. So even though I know all of the right words to make my daughter learn to self-regulate during a tantrum, sometimes I pick her up over my shoulder and carry her out of Target.
3. Sometimes doing the “right thing” is a thousand times harder than sticking with the “wrong thing”
Switching from a crib to a big girl bed, addressing thumb sucking, potty training, holding boundaries that disrupt routines or comfort — it is all hard. These are not small tasks and require consistency, emotional endurance, and most of all, a well-regulated parent. Doing the “right thing” often means choosing short-term difficulty for long-term growth. Even when we believe in the outcome, it can feel exhausting to carry it through. This has given me immense empathy for parents because I have learned that struggling with these decisions doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong; it just means you care deeply.
4. It is hard not to feel judged
One of the most unexpected parts of parenting has been the awareness (sometimes subtle, sometimes not) of being evaluated. Judgment can come intentionally or unintentionally from strangers, family members, other parents, or even ourselves. A small comment or piece of advice can throw us into a whirlwind and make us think that we are doing it wrong. Each experience may not feel like a lot on its own, but together, it can feel like death by a thousand papercuts. I am learning how important it is to ground myself in my child and my values. Parenting decisions don’t exist in isolation and can’t be measured accurately from the outside. This lesson has taught me the most about myself (as a recovering people pleaser) that each micro decision may be subject to judgement, so it is imperative to be intentional in my belief in my decision making.
What I am Still Learning
Parenthood hasn’t given me certainty. It has given me perspective. It has taught me that growth comes through discomfort and that self-compassion is a non-negotiable. These lessons are the first of many, and I know that as my daughter grows older, my perspectives as a parent will continue to grow with her. I think the most important thing is committing to learning and knowing that I will never have it all figured out, and that is okay. Because, as I always say, nobody actually knows what they are doing.
