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Most of us were never taught how to choose a life partner. We feel attraction and assume that will be enough. Maybe we love someone and think that love is all we need for a successful long-term relationship or marriage. Many of us end up learning by trial and error without a solid framework to guide us.
For most people, the relationship patterns we witnessed between our parents and the other people close to us play a huge role in who we choose. For some, that’s great news. They grew up with role models who were loving, respectful, and inspiring. They naturally gravitate toward similar dynamics.
For others, those early templates lead to relationships that feel familiar, but aren’t necessarily healthy or satisfying.
Back in my dating days, I was fortunate to be introduced to a simple four-criteria formula for choosing a life partner. I learned it from a woman named Juli Vinik, who devoted much of her life to sharing these ideas with people who were looking for long-term love. She believed that a successful relationship requires all four of her criteria to be met.
I remember telling Juli about someone I was seeing at the time. He met two of the four criteria. “Not enough,” she said. “He’s not the one.”
I even dated someone who met three out of four and I asked her if it was really realistic to have all four.
She promised me it was, and I believed her because she was happily married and had helped many others create successful relationships.
So, I waited. Some of the time, I dated. Other times, I relaxed into being single. I withstood the cultural pressure to settle down, and I tolerated the “you’re not getting any younger” comments from well-meaning loved ones. Sometimes, I doubted myself, especially when someone fit three out of four of Juli’s criteria. I held out, and it was well worth it.
Eventually, I met a man who checked all four boxes, and we’ve been happily married for many years. Because Juli’s ideas were so impactful for me, I wanted to share her framework to support anyone who’s navigating the dating and mating game.
Criteria #1: You like or love the way they treat you. This one is pretty straightforward: The way you’re treated matters. When you’re dating someone and considering them as a life partner, it’s essential that they treat you with kindness and respect. When the inevitable relational bumps in the road arise, they communicate in a way that’s mature, compassionate, and respectful.
Criteria #2: You respect them. Separate from how they treat you, you admire who they are as a person. You genuinely respect their values, choices, and lifestyle.
Criteria #3: Compatibility. This one is on a scale from 1 to 10. Juli taught me that a 5 or higher is a must. You don’t need to share every single hobby or interest, but your goals, priorities, and lifestyle need enough overlap to build something sustainable and satisfying.
Criteria #4: Chemistry. Also on a scale from 1 to 10, this reflects physical and emotional attraction. A 5 or higher means there’s mutual desire and energy between you. It doesn’t have to be constant fireworks, but there’s enough chemistry for long-term attraction to thrive and sustain.
So, what if the person you’re dating ticks some boxes but not all? Maybe you’re incredibly attracted to someone, but you don’t respect their life choices. Or perhaps you love the way they treat you, you respect them, and have good compatibility, but there’s no chemistry.
Of course, we all get to make choices about what works best for us in relationships. Everyone has different needs, values, and circumstances. These guidelines are simply a tool for anyone who could use a little extra clarity and intention in choosing a long-term partner.
I’m grateful to Juli Vinik for teaching me this simple, powerful framework. It truly changed my life. If you’re navigating the dating world, I hope these ideas can help you stay patient, intentional, and open to mutually satisfying love.
