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One of the most common reasons people fall into harmful relationship dynamics is that the behaviors which perpetuate them are learned.
From a young age, we unknowingly internalize lessons about love and communication in a partnership. We pay attention to how our parents interact, and, even if their relationship is far from healthy, we often come to see it as what a “normal” relationship should look like. And, unfortunately, many people end up repeating these patterns later in life, without second thoughts regarding their effects.
The problem, however, is that some of these learned behaviors can be indescribably damaging. People can, even inadvertently so, treat their partners in ways that are harmful without ever really understanding why. And, when confronted, they may simply brush it off with excuses like, “That’s just how relationships work, you’re being too sensitive,” or “My parents did this all the time, and they’re fine.”
These are two of many harmful learned behaviors that often crop up in relationships. If your partner continues to exhibit them despite your protests, then they might not have your best interest at heart.
1. The Silent Treatment
The silent treatment is perhaps one of the most common forms of relational punishment, yet it is also one of the most harmful. Partners may opt for the silent treatment by deliberately withdrawing themselves from communication with the other. They ignore texts and refuse to engage, or they may even stay completely silent while in the other’s presence.
Unlike taking space to cool down, which is a much healthier strategy, the silent treatment is used specifically to make the other partner feel uneasy. The message behind the silent treatment is usually: they did something wrong, and now I’ll make them pay for it by restricting their access to me.
For many, this tactic is learned from a very young age. As a child, they may have grown up witnessing one of their parents ice the other out, until they apologized. Or, even worse, their parents might’ve punished them in a similar way, by withdrawing affection and denying them any communication.
Unfortunately, these patterns may well resurface in their subsequent romantic relationships in adulthood — usually unconsciously — as it may be the first thing they learned about how to cope with conflict.
Regardless of whether or not it’s their intention, the silent treatment can be incredibly damaging for the partner on the receiving end. Classic research published in Group Processes & Intergroup Relations demonstrates that the silent treatment can threaten some of our most fundamental needs as social beings: our need for belonging, for self-esteem, for control and for a meaningful existence.
Your very sense of worth is jeopardized when others refuse to acknowledge you. Despite them being in your vicinity, it can still trigger a very deep feeling of abandonment. This psychological sense of desertion will only feel more hurtful when it comes from someone you’re supposed to feel safe with.
A loving partner, on the other hand, would approach conflict in a more direct way. If they need some silence or some time to themselves, they wouldn’t leave you hanging without informing you of their needs first.
They make it clear that they need to step away for an hour, or even a day, to clear their head — but they also ensure you know that they’ll be back soon enough to resolve the issue. They understand precisely how nerve-wracking it is to be left alone in the dark, so they’d never even think to withhold communication as a form of punishment.
2. Weaponizing Your Vulnerability
Vulnerability is a necessary aspect of any serious relationship. But, when we let a partner in on our private fears and insecurities, we’re also taking a rather frightening leap of trust. We offer up some of the most fragile parts of ourselves, and all we can do is desperately hope that they’re handled with care.
In worst case scenarios — that is, when a partner weaponizes that vulnerability — they may respond to your opening up in ways that belittle or dismiss what you shared with them. For instance, you may confide in them about an insecurity or fear, only to hear them tell you that it’s not serious or for them to poke fun at it.
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Sadly, partners who respond in these hurtful ways are usually ones who had to learn firsthand that vulnerability is dangerous. In households where emotions are dismissed or mocked regularly, children are very quick to learn that sharing your feelings is something that will likely end poorly. Individuals who are treated this way repeatedly in their childhoods can be conditioned to maintain this outlook well into their adulthood.
Yet despite how normal these individuals may think their views on vulnerability are, the pain these ideologies can cause is still irrefutable. Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology notes that vulnerability in any kind of relationship is already anxiety-inducing enough.
Even the most self-assured person alive may still worry about potentially being viewed as weaker or pitiful after opening up to someone else. Moreover, the authors of the study note that, even when someone’s vulnerability is responded to positively, that fear won’t necessarily subside immediately afterward. Many individuals maintain doubts about the responder’s authenticity, which was found to further perpetuate the cycle of insecurity.
So, when vulnerability is met with mockery or invalidation even once in a romantic relationship, this already fearful process will have even more devastating outcomes.
A loving partner, in contrast, wouldn’t treat vulnerability as anything other than sacred. They listen without judgment and respond only with the utmost reassurance to prove that your openness is always safe with them. It also goes without saying that they’d never intentionally exploit your perceived flaws or weaknesses.
A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.