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When at a stoplight, do you instinctively pick up your phone? What about when you’re standing in a checkout line?
When someone you love is upset, do you find yourself swooping in to make them feel better—perhaps even talking too much (with the best of intentions, of course)?
At work, do you compulsively recheck your projects, replay conversations, and skip lunch—not to get ahead but to outrun the uneasy feeling that you might not measure up?
If these aren’t patterns of behavior or in some way interfering with your (or someone else’s) quality of life, they may be no big deal. But for many people, they’re counterproductive habits worth addressing. To determine into which camp your behavior falls, consider its function. In other words, consider the purpose the behavior serves. A helpful question to ask is: Am I doing this to mitigate or avoid an uncomfortable feeling? Or does the situation truly warrant my response?
Different situations evoke different levels of distress and discomfort in each of us. The harder a situation is, the more distress we’ll feel; the easier a situation, the less distress we’ll feel. It’s no different when it comes to the “stuff” in our heads. The more difficult a memory/image/thought/emotion, the harder it is to feel (e.g., it causes more discomfort), while better memories/thoughts/images are easier to feel. The more difficult a situation is, the stronger our feelings might be and the higher the likelihood that our focus will be misdirected from the situation to our discomfort (and how we can make it stop).
Key point: The issue is rarely the situation; it’s that you’re trying to avoid the feelings a situation evokes. And unless you’re a reality TV show producer who’s crossing their fingers that cast members will dramatically respond to their intense feelings, it’s important to make decisions based on a situation, not your emotions about the situation.
When your mindset is “I have to recheck this (for the 10th time) so I can be absolutely sure (and get rid of this uncertainty),” you’re sending yourself the message that the thoughts/feelings and sensations you’re experiencing are dangerous. And when we make our internal experience a problem we must solve, that experience only gets stronger and more persistent.
When someone we love is upset, it can be even harder because our attention is quickly directed to fixing their discomfort. Further, if we anticipate experiencing discomfort ourselves, our attention is refocused on doing whatever is necessary to avoid that discomfort. So instead of trying to make uncomfortable feelings go away, let’s focus on getting better at feeling those feelings just as they are. The way we do that is by learning to pause before reacting.
As anyone who’s ever tried to do this knows, it’s hard! To help us build the skill set to meet the distress, PAUSE is not only a helpful action but a memorable acronym. You can use these skills together, separately and/or in any combination that works for you. To clarify, these are not techniques to mitigate distress; they’re skills to help you function while experiencing it.
Pause. Stop before you act. If you need to set a timer to delay your reaction, do it. We want to put a wedge between your thoughts/feelings and your urges/actions.
Assess. Are you literally in danger or just uncomfortable? Unless you are actually in danger, remind yourself, your body, and your brain that you’re in discomfort, not danger. The logical parts of your brain cannot get back online if your brain thinks its safety is on the line.
Unclench. Toward that end, soften your belly, your jaw, your shoulders. Unclench your jaw and loosen your grip.
Soften into discomfort. Practice being ok with the moment, even if you don’t like it. Fighting reality will only make it stronger and more persistent.
Engage with the present moment, not the what-ifs in your head.
Like any new skill, responding differently to distress is a skill that requires intentional practice to sharpen. We want to practice being in uncomfortable situations, but do so in a way that allows you to practice responding differently. Instead of trying not to be uncomfortable, we’re learning how to allow and accept discomfort.
Start with something easier, like not checking your phone while at a red light or standing in the checkout line, and gradually increase your dose of distress or discomfort. Think of it like micro-dosing discomfort. If you accidentally dose too high, you’ll be outside your window of tolerance too soon and won’t learn that you can co-exist with the uncomfortable feelings. If that happens, simply acknowledge that you’ve encountered a dosing issue, and scale back.
As is true for any skill, perfection doesn’t exist. The goal is consistency, repetition, and loads of patience as you build your confidence co-existing with discomfort.
