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There is a question I wish clients would ask their therapists. It cuts to the heart of what therapy is about. And under the right circumstances, it may even accelerate their treatment.
To fully appreciate the power of this question, it’s necessary to first understand the context of many therapy treatment methods. A substantial aspect of approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is identifying irrational beliefs and replacing them with a healthier self-messages.
The theory is that our emotions and behaviors in response to a given situation flow from our underlying thoughts. An irrational thought will lead to maladaptive emotions and unhealthy behaviors. A rational thought will lead to more harmony between our inner and outer worlds. So if we change the thought, we change our emotions and behavior. This is the “cognitive” piece of CBT.
In modern parlance, we might say it’s just becoming aware of our blind spots.
“My drinking is under control.”
“I’m a bad person.”
“It’s not my fault my children won’t speak to me.”
“I’ll be happy when I get what I want.”
These are examples of what might be irrational thoughts for some people. If such a client could change this thought, they’d be happier. But the problem with blind spots is that people are, by definition, blind to them.
For example, telling the client above, “I think your drinking is actually out of control” would more often than not lead to swift and intense resistance. “No it’s not! What are you talking about?”
So a huge portion of the therapy in such a circumstance would be to spend weeks (or months or years) dancing around the issue with questions like, “How do you know your drinking is under control? What would it look like if it wasn’t? Why do you think your family is already under the impression that there is a problem?”
This process can ever so slowly bring the irrationality of the issue to the conscious awareness of the client.
But what if someone was willing to accept, or at least earnestly entertain, the therapist’s initial challenge to their belief? They could skip forward in the process directly to the parts of therapy that are actually about changing things for the better.
One simple question for the therapist might do the trick: “What am I wrong about?”.
Accepting the answer to this question might be possible if a person asks themselves why they went to do therapy in the first place. Presumably, a client is paying the therapist for their expertise and experience. Getting the therapist’s candid professional assessment as soon as possible seems efficient.
Of course, healthy skepticism is good. It’s not that therapists are never wrong. But in my experience, skilled therapists tend to grasp a client’s situation very early on. They may have seen similar patterns with hundreds or even thousands of clients before.
So in my own therapy, when my therapist points out a fault of mine, I wager it’s highly likely that she’s right. In fact, my internal “burden of proof” changes under these circumstances, and, while I may continue to question it, I try to operate on the assumption her observation is true.
Of course, what is necessary here is trust. A client must trust their therapist for this to have any shot of working. And if you don’t trust your therapist, maybe it’s time to seek out one you do.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
